Anger.

 I've never thought of myself as an angry person. I get uncomfortable when others openly express anger, so I have always assumed that being an "angry person" is just not part of my personality. However, I am learning that I am wrong.

I am noticing the way I react in different situations and that there are times -- more often than not -- that I am reacting in a way well beyond what is necessary for the situation.

Shoes left in the entry way? Pissed off.

Towels not folded and put away? Pissed off.

Went grocery shopping without me? Pissed off.

Had a friendly conversation with the attractive neighbor? Livid!

None of those situations are reasonable reasons for me to get as angry as I do, and yet I find myself boiling over in these scenarios. I'll let these situations simmer for a few days until, like a pressure cooker that has built up too much steam, I'll blow and send out those sharp daggers of my anger out at those closest to me. Typically Gerry. He bears the brunt of 99.9% of my outbursts, which usually consists of my having built up all sorts of unreasonable, irrational assumptions about him and us. I am convinced he is cheating on me. I am convinced he is purposely withholding conversation from me. I am convinced he is intentionally doing things to make me angry. None of it is really true, and if any of it is, it is because I make conversation difficult because it becomes an argument all the time.

It's not like this every day, but enough that over the last year or so it has become so regular it is almost predictable. I try to assign all sorts of other explanations for it, like I am tired, I am not happy with work, my schedule is all wonky, however the real explanation is that this is a part of my personality that needs to be addressed, dealt with and controlled.

I am not liking these revelations about myself, but I know that if I don't face them and deal with them then nothing will really ever change for me. I don't want that. Life is learning, and I have to be open to that -- even though some of the stuff I learn might be super unpleasant.

My Therapist Told Me To.

 My therapist keeps telling me to write things down: thoughts, feelings, anxieties, etc. I keep meaning to, but never give myself the time to do it. There is always something else more important, or more interesting to distract my mind from thoughts, feelings and anxieties I'd rather avoid than sort through. However, I am on my way to 43 years old and I am always seeking ways to improve myself and my life, and at this present time those thoughts, feelings and anxieties are the things that need to be sorted through if any improvement is to be made.

So yeah. I am in therapy. With a bona-fide, doctorate degree hanging on the wall, therapist. In the past I've sought out mental-health help from professionals with counseling licenses, and have never stuck with it. I always felt they were too "soft" on me, for lack of a better description, so I never felt like it was a good fit. Mary is a wonderful fit, though, and I've been seeing her now for almost 3 months now.

I find that I tend to go through evolutions in my life every 10 years or so, and I feel like I am coming up on one now. The last year or so I've felt really unsettled and unsatisfied with where I am and what I am doing with my life, which prompted my successful (so-far) return to school. I've done well in school, but I fear that other areas in my life have suffered some. My relationship with Gerry being a big one.

I tend to be the kind of person who has difficulty giving my energy to more than one person/activity at a time. I don't have a huge group of friends because I find it too exhausting to try to entertain more than one or two close friendships. When I am in a romantic relationship, that person tends to become the main focus of my "friendship" attention, and that's the way it has been for the last 8 years with Gerry and I. I still have my other friends, but I don't do anything social with them anymore. On one hand that bothers me, because I *should* be doing those things, right? Girls night out. Book clubs. Painting parties. Mom Proms. All those kind of events that I see so many other people on social media enjoying. And part of me wants to partake, but a larger part of me is okay with staying at home and spending my time with Gerry. For seven of the last eight years Gerry and I have been together, it's pretty much been him and doing everything together. We cook together, drink together, go on day trips together, etc. And I've enjoyed it all. I love spending time with him. Yet.

I started back to school last fall. I made the decision to go back to school a year before. I was nervous, but excited. Anxious, but eager. And because it was something NEW, my attention turned to focus more on it than on other things in my life. Other things like my relationship with Gerry. Now, it should be expected that there would be understanding that there would be a change in our relationship -- there would be less time for us. I work more afternoons, so we see each other less. We don't talk as much as we used to, and I know that leaves me often feeling left out of his life. When I crawl into bed at night after coming home from a shift I feel guilty for disturbing him because he gets up early for work in the morning. I miss starting our days with coffee and breakfast together and ending our morning dates with a kiss and an "I love you" before heading our separate ways. We don't cook dinner together as often as we used to. Sometimes I just don't feel like there is a "we" anymore. He is an "I" and I am an "I".

I'll write more later. I am feeling like I am shifting from wanting to just unload these feelings in a constructive way, to using this as a platform to express all my dramatic musings. I just want things to be simple, and right now I am feeling far from that.

Perhaps a soak in the tub and a good book will help.

Update on Kari

 I figured it was about time to give an update to everyone regarding Kari and how she is doing. It's been some time since I talked to some of you, so I'll just give a brief recap.

Kari ended Chemotherapy on May 31 and had a follow-up PET scan at the end of July. We were, of course, hoping for a clean read, BUT there was still some activity in her chest, along with some in her pelvis, that the doctor wanted to keep an eye on. So she had a second PET scan earlier this month. Unfortunately, the activity in those areas had increased enough that her Oncologist recommended another biopsy of the lymph nodes in her chest to double check to see if there was anything to be concerned about.

The preliminary results on the biopsy came back inconclusive, but her oncologist still suggested meeting with a radiation-oncologist to discuss the possibility of radiation treatment. In the meantime, he also ordered an MRI on her to get a closer look at the activity in her pelvic region (near her left ovary).

We met with Dr. Baer today and he went over both the PET and the MRI with us. He did recommend radiation for the area in her chest, seeing as the final results (from U of M) on the biopsy did still show Hodgkins. However, he was concerened about the area in her pelvis. It is right near a branch of arteries that runs near the ovary and the MRI results aren't real clear whether or not it's something in her lymph nodes or something else.

He said there are 3 ways we can address it: Sit on it and wait and see if it changes (do another scan in a few months), go ahead and treat it with radiation (however, it would fry her ovary making it useless) or basically do exploratory surgery to see if they can locate what the issue is. Dr. Baer isn't too keen on letting it just sit, nor is he wanting to put her through surgery if nothing is found. He is consulting with a few colleagues to discuss what they think and will be getting back to us later this week.

Kari did say she felt that doing the surgery would be something she would be more inclined to do, especially seeing that after a 4 cycles of chemo the Hodgkins was not completely gone. She also is not interested in frying her ovary. Dr. Baer did say if surgery were the way to go, he would likely have us go to Mayo or something along that line.

So. That is where we are at this point. Sorry I haven't updated more consistently, but I think I was just waiting for everything to come back clean so I could send out a "SHE'S CURED" message. Instead, just continue to please keep her in your thoughts (as I know you all will). I have been amazed and impressed and so very proud of how well she is managing all of this. She is an inspiration to me!!


This was a group message I sent out to some family on Facebook. Cancer is such a pain in the ass. There is nothing simple about it. I don't know what I was expecting when Kari was diagnosed with it last January. Maybe I thought that since because she had a fairly simple cancer that was easy to treat, she'd go through treatment and be done! Well, obviously it is not turning out to be that way. It's just so much for someone her age (just turned 20) to have to deal with. Especially now with not knowing what the activity in her pelvis is all about. If it turns out that it is cancer and it needs to be treated with radiation, then she needs to consider how it will affect her ability to have children later on. It's just a lot.

So, at this point we are just waiting to hear from the doctor later this week to see what he recommends. Either way, it's going to be a big decision for Kari.

Keeping it Random

 I am not really sure what my deal is lately, but me and a "good night's sleep" just aren't getting along. Boo.

My mistakes on my math exam were SO STUPID. Honestly, all they consisted of was my not reading the questions properly. Completely avoidable, but I suppose a 96 is still a 96 no matter what.

I received some positive feedback on last week's English assignment. I was less than thrilled with my work, and it took me until almost the very last minute to get it in. And when I did get it in, the last few questions were rushed and not well thought out. But my instructor said it was good and I have very strong writing skills, so Yay! I even ended up with a perfect score on the assignment.

My friend Jeannie and I have plans to go see the new Blair Witch movie on Friday. We kind of have to. You see, we saw the original when it first came out in 1999. And we totally bought into the whole "recovered footage" hype, so we thought it was REAL. It wasn't until the credits were rolling at the end of the movie that we both realized it was JUST a movie. Still scared the shizznit out of us, though. Jeannie just recently moved back to the area from Utah, so we made a "dinner & movie" date for Friday. We'll be able to do some good catching up and then go get the shizznit scared out of us again. I am looking forward to it.

Oh. Did I mention I am a grandma? Step-grandma, technically. Gerry's son, Aaron, and his wife had a baby boy at the end of August. I feel bad for not feeling more excited about it, but the whole situation is just - uncomfortable - so I think everyone is sort of holding back any excitement. Which is sad, because babies should be celebrated. And he is a cutie. Wonderfully chubby cheeks and he looks just like his dad. There is talk about going down to Fort Bragg for Thanksgiving so we can see everyone. Gerry is dragging his feet, though. Makes a big deal about spending money, but I think it's really that he just doesn't know how to handle that his son is a father. It doesn't fit what Gerry had in mind for Aaron. Or perhaps for himself - being a grandfather at 45. I hope we go, though. I'd love a baby fix.

Have I mentioned that I think I am in love with my Diva cup? Seriously. I love it.

School Talk

 Try as I might, spending 3 hours of nothing but studying tires my brain out.

I finally had to break and will probably waste my remaining half-hour before my next class on Amazon shopping for a backpack on wheels. All these books are back breakers!

Found out I got a 96 on my math exam. It's not really a big deal. I am taking an 085 level math class, and right now it's a lot of basic review. Literally adding/subtracting, multiplying/dividing. I was reminded of the Order of Operations I had forgotten about when solving equations. That's good to know, although the way my mind works is wondering who was the person/people who decided that PEMDAS was the way to solve an equation. WHY did it have to be THAT way? Why not "MDASET"??? These are the kind of questions, that do not even matter, that I ask myself thus taking my attention off what needs to be focused on. I wish I could shut off that part of my brain. Even when reading text material I have a hard time getting through a section because I will start wondering about this or that (related to the text) and will end up thinking about those questions rather than paying attention to what I need to study. Argh!

Looked at some tissue samples under the microscope today in biology. I worked alone, which I really didn't mind, but on the other side I felt a little out-of-place. I don't know why I have such a hard time sometimes involving myself with others. It wouldn't have been that hard to go up to a couple of people and say "Hey, want to be partners" but instead, I just hang back and if no one approaches me, I go along on my own. Basically, that hasn't changed since K-12 school. Since we moved so often each time I started a new school I pretty much just hung back and didn't push my unfamiliar presence on others. Eventually someone would talk to me and a friendship would develop, but I NEVER made the first move. I'd like to change that about myself, but I am not sure how to go about that.

I like school, though. I enjoy being in the learning environment. I just need to figure out better ways to soak all the learning in.

Being Schooled

 So today was the beginning of my 3rd week back at school.

First week went great. Last week I felt like I was going to have a break down. This week is starting off pretty well.

I had a couple days last week where my emotions were all over the place and the old self-doubt started creeping back in to sabotage me. I had such a hard time working on any of my assignments and any time I sat down to read I couldn't make it through three sentences without having to stop and write out a list for grocery shopping the next day, or chores I need to complete around the house (actually, chores that have needed to be done for months, but I have to write a list for RIGHT NOW).

*sigh*

Fortunately, I started my period today and I think that is where a lot of those thoughts were coming from. It's funny how my perception of things can literally change overnight when I start my period. I almost feel like I've been on a crazy roller-coaster for several days before hand, but not the fun, exciting amusement park kind, and then suddenly I'm off and back on solid ground and everything is just better.

So, everything is better. I'm not feeling like I am going to fail miserably. I am not thinking that I am just a fool to think I can do this at 42. I went to class today, enjoyed the lesson, had the light bulb go off a few times, learned some interesting facts, took a test and felt pretty good about it, and just basically had a good day. I am back on track.

I snatched up a couple NCLEX-RN review texts that had been put in a Free box in the science wing hallway. I'll take as many of those as I can. I have heard horror stories about the NCLEX exams so I'd like to be as prepared as possible.

Speaking of my period, I decided to give the Diva Cup a try. Usually on my first day or so of light bleeding I will only wear a pad, and then when things pick up I'll switch to tampons. I still wore a pad today since everything I read said that it can take a couple of tries before you get the placement correct, but I must have had beginners luck because not a single leak! I forgot to bring any back up feminine products with me, so I did end up emptying the cup a couple times while at class (to avoid any potential Diva blow out). It is a messy process. There is no way around it. You are sticking your fingers up into your bloody vag, BUT over all the mess is so much less than what it would be if you were wearing a pad/tampon. So I am pretty much sold on it, although I think I will end up carrying around a pocket-sized package of wet wipes so I don't look like I've butchered a chicken in the stall.

I also find it kind of interesting that the cup has measurement markers on the side (1/4 oz, 1/2 oz, 1 oz) so you can tell how much you are emptying each time. The instructions that came with the cup stated that most women only lose about 1oz of blood during their ENTIRE cycle, which I think is WAY off. Today alone I dumped over 2oz. But I like knowing that.

Back to work tomorrow. I DON'T WANNA GO!!! It's not that I don't enjoy my job, but I'd rather be studying. I am really seriously at looking to cut my hours back from 32 to 24 hours. The biggest thing that is holding me back from that is the medical insurance. My hours now are considered full-time, so I pay full-time premiums for my insurance and it reasonable enough that I pay for the family coverage so my kids are covered too. However, if I were to drop to 24 hours I would have to start paying the part-time premiums for the insurance, which is almost 2x what I am paying now...so...that makes paying for the family coverage a bit problematic. I could afford it for me alone, but not for all of us.

I don't know. Perhaps I will feel better about staying at 32 hours once I have found my groove with school. The biggest advantage with where I am now is that if I am working an evening or weekend shift the workload tends to be much lighter, which gives me time to study. So it does have it's perks.

All that said, though. I DON'T WANNA GO TO WORK TOMORROW!!!

Chasing Sleep In My Dreams

 Oh my lord, am I tired today. I slept horribly last night...pretty much waking up every hour or so and then was wide awake at 3:30am. So I got up and finished up a crochet project I've been working on thinking that I would get tired out and be able to catch a couple more hours of sleep before having to head to class.

Nope.

Stayed awake.

Drove the hour and fifteen minutes to class with the radio volume as high as I could have it without blowing out the speakers. I even stopped at the Sagola BP for one of those little energy shots. I am not too sure how it worked for me. Well enough to get me through my Bio lab, but now I am sitting here in the student lounge trying to find ways to stay awake.

My next class isn't until 4:00pm. I am on central time right now, so it's only actually 1:30pm.

I may go snag some coffee from the Student Center upstairs and see if that perks me up some. Or I may look at trying to nap in the car for a bit.

Another option would be to see if I can find a St. Vinnies or something like that here and spend some time there. I could work on some math stuff, but to be honest, my brain just doesn't have it in me right now. Anything I did would be ahead of the game anyway.

I just Googled St. Vinnies in Iron Mountain. There is one 5 minutes from here.

I'm on it.