And so it begins...

I can't sleep. Every twinge I feel in my back, or ache I feel in my hip, I immediately start thinking about this damned "situation" and what it all means. If this is how it's going to go every night, I won't get any sleep, which I can imagine means grounds for a cancer party in my breast. :o|

Har har?

I am glad I went to class today. Yesterday I was talking about how I didn't want to and Gerry kind of got on my case about it. "Good lord, you don't even know if you're even really dying. Hold off on skipping class until at least you have a real excuse." Ha ha! Yes. It made me smile, and it helped. He knows me well. And even though I putzed around this morning and left at the last minute, I still made it and took my Chemistry test, sat through lecture and lab, and had a good day. The hour and fifteen minute drive to and from class wasn't as bad as I worried it would be. I figured with all that time to think about things, I'd be a huge weepy mess. I wasn't, though. I simply plugged in some of my favorite tunes to sing along to and kept my thoughts as simple as possible. I did figure from here on out everything will need to be dealt with on a "one-day-at-a-time" basis. If I allow myself to jump too far ahead I will definitely drive myself crazy.

This is all easier to manage during the day when there are all sort of distractions that I can focus on to keep my mind off the obvious. Bedtime is going to be a struggle. I tried playing games on my iPad, reading, watching cute cat videos, but unfortunately they aren't enough to keep my mind settled down. So here I am. I am guessing there will be a lot of nights like this in my future.

If I can get away with it, I am going to hold off talking to my boss until at least after my initial appointments next week. I feel weird talking to her about it before I've even talked to my family, but she will probably be in the loop before them. I don't know how long I will hold off telling the family. I told Gerry to keep his mouth shut for now. I'd rather have as much information as I can gather so I can answer all the questions I will certainly be bombarded with. So, at least until after next weeks appointment, although I would ideally even prefer to wait until after more testing is done and I know what stage I am in, what the treatment options are, and what the prognosis is. I really don't know if I can put it off that long, though. Gah. I hate thinking about that part of all this.

I have not had an emotional breakdown yet. I am sort of worried about that. Gerry thinks I'm going to just crack and "flip the hell out", and he is probably right. That is my modus operandi when I get stressed, so yeah. I guess we can expect that to happen. For now, I would just be happy with getting to sleep, especially when the alarm is set for 4:45am and I have to be at work at 7:00am.

It's going to be a long day tomorrow.

Take My Breath Away

 Have you ever heard about when someone receives really shocking news and they describe how their vision gets hazy and they go numb? I have, and I've always wondered if it really happens that way, or if it's just the best way of describing the rush of emotions you feel when faced with big, unexpected news.

Well, I can tell you that it does happen that way. And perhaps it is just the best way to describe the rush of emotions that comes with big, unexpected news, but there is definitely a physical reaction that occurs. It's unsettling. Just as unsettling as the news you get.

Yesterday I was told that I have breast cancer. Invasive ductal carcinoma. A small spot showed up on my screening mammogram last week and after the ultrasound, the doctor wanted to do a biopsy just to make sure it wasn't anything to be concerned about. I have cystic breasts, always have, and the spot he had seen looked like it wasn't anything but a complicated cyst on the ultrasound, but better to be safe. So they did the biopsy on Friday morning. After numbing my breast they shot two harpoon type needles into my left breast, into the area under my nipple, and clamped on to a couple portions of the cyst to remove it for testing. The doctor who did the biopsy said it didn't look suspicious to him, but I should know the results by Wednesday at the latest.

I expected that I would get a letter in the mail telling me all was good, and possibly even telling me to come back in 6 months for another mammogram, just to be safe. Instead I got a phone call yesterday asking me to come in to see the doctor later in the morning to go over the pathology results. I've never met this doctor before. Kind of a cool lady. Short, punky haircut dyed bright red on top that faded to a dark brown. Lots of piercings and tattoos. Overall, just seemed to be a neat lady. Like someone I would normally enjoy hanging out it.

She got right to the point, though. No use dancing around anything. She explained what the pathology results came back with. We are still waiting to find out how "my" cancer reacts to certain hormone exposure, which will give insight to treatment options. She told me her office had already set up appointments for me with a general surgeon and an oncologist. Next Tuesday. A week away. She mentioned things like mastectomy, metastasized, chemotherapy. But it was when she first told me "Unfortunately the results did come back positive for cancer" that I felt this rush from the top of my head to my toes. My lips went numb, my vision went cloudy and I audibly gasped. I had no control over it. For a moment I just looked at her as if she was speaking a language I couldn't understand, and all I could hear was "I am so sorry to have to meet you under these circumstances".

I feel like I am in limbo, right now. I won't know anything about anything at least until Tuesday of next week. There will be some sort of surgery done...at least removal of some lymph nodes to find out of the cancer has spread anywhere beyond the breast tissue. If it has, then what. From what I've read, that means it's incurable and I just live with it until I ultimately die from it. But that is the worst case scenario, and being the dramatic type I am, there is no other option but to jump to the worst case conclusion. That must explain why my body aches every morning when I get out of bed. It has spread to my bones. That must explain the little dizzy spells I've been having here and there the past few months. It's in my brain. That must explain why I've been having so many dreams of dying and telling my children how much I love them and how proud I am of them. My subconscious has known all along.

Then there is the question of how did this happen? How did I end up with breast cancer? What combination of factors were involved that caused a cluster of my cells to go rouge and go out of control? When did it happen? Were those random twinges I felt in my left breast months ago something I should have been more aware of? So many questions and no answers I can come up with on my own.

Gerry is the only person who knows so far. I honestly cringe at the thought of having to tell anyone else. My kids...the thought makes my stomach turn. My family...ugh...I just don't want to deal with all the dramatics that will come with it. My sister will flip the hell out -- I don't want to deal with her emotions. My dad...*sigh*...yeah..My kids, though.

*sigh*

There is nothing I can at this point except wait. I'll have to talk to my boss tomorrow and let her know what's up. I am sure I will be taking time off from work for any of the surgeries/treatments that are inevitable. I am not sure what to do about school at this point. I may have to drop the chemistry and biology class and just keep my online classes. Although, part of me is wondering if any of it is worth it at this point. There is no way I can do clinicals and chemotherapy at the same time, so perhaps this nursing gig is a no go afterall.