My Hero

The past several days have not been good ones.  

Gerry got sick the night before my first chemo - cold shivers, hot sweats - and neither one of us thought to mention it to my oncologist when I went for my treatment last Monday.  So, I had my chemo and ended up picking up his sick, and this past week Gerry have been taking turns trying to out-sick each other with fevers, chills, muscle aches, nausea, etc.  

Well, I am pleased to say.  I won.  

You know.  

Because Cancer.

I ended up in the emergency department on Saturday after having spiked an early morning fever of 102.3.  

Of course, by the time either Gerry or myself were in the coherent position to get me to the hospital, I had managed to take a dose of motrin which brought my fever down.  However, blood tests at the hospital revealed that I am neutropenic so a handshake from a friendly old man or a hug from a snot nosed baby could potentially kill me.  Okay..maybe a tad dramatic, but still nothing you want to mess around with.

So they sent me home with a couple of heavy duty antibiotics and instructions to follow up with my oncologist on Monday for more blood work to see how the counts are by then.  

I haven't felt any better, since, really.

I'm still cycling through episodes of hot sweats, and cold chills.  So the furnace is up and down.  I'm whining for more blankets to be piled on me or to be pulled off.  I'm shooting off requests for hot chicken broth or tea, cold Vernors or popsicles.  

In my wake, I leave a trail of messes from dirty sweat soaked blankets, to dirty dishes, to lids I forgot to put back on food containers, or even food left out in our bacteria breeding kitchen overnight when  it should have been put away in the fridge.  

And aside from a couple of typical comical quips, Gerry has followed behind me making sure I was covered when I was cold.  Making sure my soda was cold when I was hot.  Putting away the things I left out.  Washing the loads and loads of laundry and dishes ALL THE WHILE HE HAS BEEN SICK TOO.

In between his shivering rounds under the piles of blankets, or moments of him stripping off sweaty clothes, his headaches, muscle aches, and achy aches, he has kept up with making sure everything around here didn't totally fall to shit.  Which is exactly what I would have done.  

Let everything fall to shit, that is.

Right now he is out at the grocery store, still feeling like crap himself, to pick up some yogurt and good bread so I can eat something.  Before he left, he bleached down the kitchen, stripped the bed, brought some dirty clothes to the basement, cuddled the cat, and asked if there was anything else I needed before he left.  

I said no, and then suddenly felt this OVERWHELMING wave of LOVE and GRATITUDE for this man who says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  

This man who, despite feeling like death himself, has still managed to take care of me when I needed it.  

I tried to tell him how thankful and appreciative I was of all he has done for me, and his response was typical Gerry.

"Shut. It."

But I am so VERY VERY thankful and appreciative that not only the Universe lined up our paths in a way so we would meet, but also because I get to BE LOVED by someone like him.

This shit is real, people!!  Amazing, wonderful, fantastical love is for real.  And I have it :)

So, Thank you Universe for one of the greatest gifts I could ever be gifted, but mostly Thank You Gerry for being the wonderful, caring, loving, gracious, fantastic man that you are.  

I am so very, very lucky.

I love you.

Treatment #1

Yesterday I had my first chemo treatment, and I will receive 15 more over the course of the next 20 weeks.

Although I had done a bunch of research on what to expect, and had even had a teaching session with the nurse last Friday, I was still nervous about what to expect.  Everyone reacts a little different. 

I know that I will lose my hair.  Likely sometime between my 2^nd and 3^rd treatment.

I can expect to feel lots of fatigue. 

Perhaps some nausea.

A change in appetite.

Food will start to taste funny.

I may develop mouth sores.

I may lose my fingernails and lose feeling in my fingertips.

I don’t like NOT KNOWING how things will be for me, though, and if there is ANY anxiety about any of the side effects, it’s mostly because I just don’t know what I will be experiencing.  So yesterday, when I went in for my first treatment I monitored how I felt throughout the three hours I was there. 

Chemo started out with the administration of five premedications over 45 minutes:

• ·         Ativan – helps with nausea/vomiting
• ·         Aloxi – helps with nausea/vomiting
• ·         Emend – helps with nausea/vomiting
• ·         Pepcid – for heartburn
• ·         Decadron – a steroid to help with inflammation

After the premeds were completed, I was then given my first chemo medication, Adriamycin a.k.a. The Red Devil.  This was a manually administered medication, pushed from two large syringes into the IV that was connected to my port, over the course of 15 minutes.  After that I was given the other chemo medication, Cytoxan, via an IV bag drip over the course of one hour. A quick flush of my port and removal of the Huber needle after that, and I was good to go. 

After my chemo, I had a Neulasta injector attached to my abdomen.  This is a medication that when administered, will stimulate my bone marrow to produce more white blood cells, to help keep my count up. When it is first applied, a needle injects a plastic cannula into my abdomen, and then after a period of 27 hours, it “turns on” again and administers the medication over a period of 45 minutes.  Fifteen minutes after that, I remove it and put it aside to dispose of back at the doctor’s office. 

I felt great after chemo.  No nausea, no fatigue.  Just my normal self.  My Dad, who drove up from lower Michigan on Sunday to surprise me, picked me up and we swung by Walgreens on our way home to pick up my prescriptions for some additional anti-nausea medications.  I was hungry when I got home, so I made myself a small salad with swiss cheese, ham, and balsamic vinaigrette dressing.  A few bites in to my salad my skin started crawling and I felt really jumpy.  I thought maybe it was a reaction to the Decadron.  I was warned that it might even keep me from being able to sleep that night, and steroids do tend to give people a sensation of having extra energy, so I thought that was what I was feeling.  However, shortly after the crawling sensation began, I suddenly felt really, really cold.  Hard shivers that made my muscles ache.  I managed to change into my thermals, flipped on the fireplace, and buried myself under a couple of warm blankets. I also took a couple of Motrin, and eventually the shivering settled down.  For the rest of the evening I cycled through feeling nauseous, hot flashes, feeling fine, but mostly feeling exhausted.  I am not totally convinced that all of what I was feeling was from the chemo, though.  Most of what I have read states that side effects really don’t show up until day three or four after chemo – after the chemo drugs have cycled through your body and have been excreted.  Gerry had not been feeling the greatest the couple of days before my treatment, and the night before he had the shivers and sweats, so I wonder if I was experiencing some of that.  So, still not sure what to expect, but I’m hoping it’s not too miserable.  If I could sleep through it all, that would be FANTASTIC!  I’m keeping my fingers crossed!!

Contrary to what the nurse said about the Decadron possibly keeping me up at night, I was in by 7:45pm and I am sure I was out by 7:50pm.  I slept pretty well, all things considered.  Up a couple of times to use the bathroom.  One of the things I was told was to make sure I empty my bladder as often as possible.  Both the chemo meds are excreted through urine within 48 hours, but because Cytoxan can break down the lining of the bladder, you are encouraged to urinate as often as possible to make sure it doesn’t sit in your bladder to long.

I did wake up at 3:00am this morning.  I tried getting back to sleep, but it just wasn’t happening, so I finally got up at 3:30 and settled myself in the recliner and did a little reading of different forums on Breast Cancer sites about side effects, good smoothie recipes, and whatever else I found interesting, from whatever other women who have gone through similar situations.

I made some toast, ate a banana, and when my dad woke up and joined me, I made us both coffee. 

I feel pretty good this morning, overall.  A little tired, maybe, but honestly that is not out of the ordinary for me.  I don’t remember the last time I didn’t feel tired.  Sometime before I had children, I am sure.

Before my Dad left back for Lower Michigan this morning, he made sure to remind me to not do anything too taxing.  “Energy reserving activities” was his suggestion, which I will have to make a point to listen to.  Though, after he left, I remembered it was garbage day today, so I rushed to get the trash and recycling bins out to the street, and I felt absolutely drained afterwards.  So yeah.  I must remember my energy levels are not where they normally would be, so taking it easy is a good idea.  That means I’ll be working on simple projects today; folding some laundry, taking naps, and crocheting some dishcloths. 

I am still nervous about what to expect over the next couple of days, but I am thankful for the resources I have available to me, and even more thankful for the people in my life who are willing to lend a hand should I need it.  I can’t even begin to express how wonderful it has been to have so many people, from my co-workers, to my instructors and classmates at Bay, and of course my family, who have all been willing to step in and help me in any way they can.  It has made this situation so much more manageable to handle, and I am so very, very thankful for it.

I really have so much to be thankful for.  I really am blessed.  More than I ever knew.