Grieving What Should Have Been and Never Will Be.

Image Creator Borut Trdina

I feel like shit today.  Emotionally and physically.

 After yesterdays…argument?  Whatever it was, I find myself in the familiar position of hating myself and all the things that I do to make life more difficult for myself.  I can’t get over the feeling that I really am the on that causes all the upset in our relationship and if I could jet get my shit together then life could be normal and happy. 

Yesterday I wanted to have a conversation about money, which is a very sensitive topic between Gerry and I.  Why it has become sensitive, I am not entirely sure, but I have some thoughts on it.  I have never been comfortable talking about money because I never had it before we moved in. He made the right choices in life, which put him in the position of being financially stable and I was single mom on welfare begot from a single mom on welfare begot from a single mom who struggled to make ends me.  So it’s all I have ever known.  My relationship with money is complicated and uncomfortable, so my trying to talk about it brings all sort of thoughts and feelings in my mind, and of course I want to avoid those. 

To begin with, I am horrible with money.  Always have been.  I was never taught the importance of managing it, and as I entered into adulthood, my way of "managing" was to justify how I spent it when I shouldn’t have been, and then robbing Peter to pay Paul to make up for that.  Always behind.  Always in the red.  Always scrambling to catch up and dreaming of someday having more so I could finally be “comfortable”.

My position with money – being on welfare, being in debt, etc – was always a source of shame for me because I knew what I was doing wasn’t the right way, and I was embarrassed by it.  I was failing in this area in life that “everyone else” knew how to manage.  My peers were driving cars that didn’t break down every couple of months, and when  they did break down they could afford to get them repaired.  My peers were buying their own homes, doing renovations, getting new appliances, going on vacations, going school shopping for their kids, or even just going to the grocery store whenever they wanted without having to make sure you didn’t spend to much.  I remember so many times at the grocery store watching the people in front of me fill the belt with all sort of things from food, to household goods, clothes, kitchen items, and wondering what it was like to be able to do that.  How did it feel to walk into a store and not fret about whether or not your EBT card had enough to get you through the end of the month, and how you were going to be able to afford the hotdish you have to make for the football banquet.  It’s gotta be something that doesn’t look poor, but can you afford it?

So, bringing that into a relationship is difficult.  Pair that up with whatever Gs hang ups are about money, which I am not entirely sure of because we don’t talk about it.  He likes to have money but doesn't as much like to spend it.  I know that he does seem to have a desire to make as much as he can – or at least that is how I have interpreted things from our few and far between conversations that don’t degrade into an argument.  And that he thinks that money is one of those conversation topics that creates automatic complications in a relationship.  I heard that from him early in our relationship – Money, Sex, Religion – the three taboo topics to bring up in a relationship.  Of course, I avoided all three of them early in our relationship because I didn’t want to rock the boat.  But they can’t be avoided forever, and when they finally reared their head in our relationship there was no room for civil conversation.  It was immediate defensiveness and that dissolved into arguments. 

A lot of our conversations dissolve into arguments. There is no room for the civil exchange of thoughts and opinions and ideas.  I feel like most of our conversations are surface level only. 

When I moved in with him after Kari graduated, we would argue about money a lot.  In my mind we had money to spend, so why couldn't we sell the house we were in and buy a house in the country.  Why couldn't we buy a new car?  Why couldn't we get a new set of furniture or go on a vacation.  I'll admit, I didn't have a clear understanding of the workings of being financially independent.  He was debt free (save for the mortgage) and planned on staying that way.  So, when I struggled comprehending what he was explaining to me, he presented the budget for us to follow.  It has been helpful in the way of tracking our spending and saving, but I don't feel like it has accomplished what it was meant to accomplish in the way of saving for the more exciting things in life. That was the issue last night and that was what I was trying to approach.  

I felt like immediately things got off the wrong start when I was trying to get my words out, but it wasn't the right way.  Gerry commented about being straight about what I wanted instead of talking around the topic.  That was enough for me to immediately get on the defense and feel like I had to explain WHY I was going about it the way I was, which devolved in to my pointing out how he has made it difficult in the past to approach these topics, and so things are starting to ramp up.  After unnecessary and unproductive back and forth, I feel like I have gotten across what I was trying to say, but then he asks me if I think I got my point across -- the question really confuses me and I am not sure how I am supposed to respond, so I am grasping to say anything because I have to give an answer, right?  I can't say I don't understand,  and I feel put on the spot and so I start to internally panic.  "What did I do?  What haven't I done right?  I thought he understood.  What did I miss?" and then it ramps up again, and my anxiety level is getting higher and I am scrambling again to explain myself, but the words coming out of my own mouth don't make sense even to me...it's just filling space and it's creating more upset and it's all going wrong.  Eventually things seem to settle down and we have some to an agreement, and the conversation starts to turn towards better things, but then I feel like he begins nitpicking little things that do not matter in the moment.  Or he starts pointing our where I am handling things the wrong way, or how I am cutting him off and not allowing him to speak and how HE JUST WANTS TO BE HEARD.  I will admit, hearing him say that absolutely SENDS ME because I have been saying for YEARS to him that is what I have needed from him.  So I am fighting against getting really angry and mean because at this point I just want to SCREAM at him WHAT ABOUT ME!?!?  What about all the times I have expressed that very thing and you act like you have no clue what I am talking about, but when you bring it up I should take heed?  I *am* screaming in my head, and I just want to throw my body around hurt myself because that will feel much better than what I am feeling at the moment.

And as predicted, instead of accomplishing anything productive or coming to any sort of common ground, the conversation turns in to him going to bed and my sitting in the car crying my head off and feeling like shit because one again, I have no self control and I have fucked things up. Last might my dreams were full of fear and sadness, trying to escape whatever it was that was trying to hurt me, and feeling helpless and hopeless that anything will ever be different for me.  I wake up not wanting to be here.  I don't want to feel the way I am feeling and I just wish something would happen to me.  Last night I dreamed of getting high and it is so tempting to go to the dispensary for that temporary escape and relief.  I just want to hide from all of this.

I feel sick to my stomach right now.  For breakfast I had an egg and three small potatoes and I feel like I want to throw it all back up. I feel like I want to cry all day.  I feel alone.  I don’t have anyone to talk to about all the craziness in my head.  I only have myself and I don’t like my own company most of the time because I can’t keep my thoughts and feelings under control.  So, I fall into this pit of self-hate and wishing I just didn’t have to be here. 

It is Easter and Gerry is making his rounds of calling his family, and although I know he’s doing it because it’s the holiday,  I can’t help feeling like he’s rubbing it in that I am feeling like crap and I am sitting on the sofa crying to myself and feeling miserable and he’s going on about his normal every day life like nothing is wrong.  

I am confused at what his role is when I am feeling this way.  I want him to be tender, and empathetic and comfort me.  I want him to assure me I am not the terrible person I believe myself to be, or who I feel he thinks I am. I want him to tell me the reasons he loves me, and the good things he sees in me because I feel completely incapable of believing those things on my own.  Although, in the end would it really matter if he did do those things, because I likely wouldn’t believe it anyway.  As much as I do enjoy hearing nice things about myself, I really don’t believe it.  I can’t see those things, so if I can’t see those things it’s not true. 

I am always stumped when I have been asked to name something good about myself.  I always fumble to find something and when I finally pull something out, I feel uncomfortable and like a fraud.

I simply do not like myself, and I find it hard to believe that anyone else truly does either.  Especially Gerry. 

One of the things I have always wanted in a partner was someone who loved me so much that they would be my cheerleader and help lift me up.  They would love me so much they would want to convince me how valuable I was to them and to everyone else.  That making me happy and feel loved would make them feel happy and loved.  But I have never found that, and maybe it’s wrong for me to believe that is the way it is supposed to be.  Maybe I have been wrong all this time thinking that this is a reasonable expectation..or that I deserve that. 

G is currently sitting 4 feet from me, eating his lunch and watching golf while I am writing and crying.  No attempt to comfort.  Just ignoring me, pretending I am not here – or pretending I am not doing what I am doing.  It makes me feel guilty.  It makes me feel like I am a shit person for having these feeling and needs.  If *I* could just get my shit together then *WE* could be happy.

It all just confirms, to me, that my presence here has no meaning.  I don’t matter enough. I would love to hear him say “I am sorry for all the hurt you experienced, and I wish I could take it away…I want to help you feel better.  I want to help you heal because I love you and I want you to be the best person you can be so we can be the best people we can be” but I don’t think that is anywhere on his radar.  It feels like he thinks that I need to figure this shit on my own, and I suppose I can…and will..but it would feel so much better knowing I have the love and support I need in my corner that I can fall back on when things get difficult or I start to lose control.

 Gerry just brought up last nights conversation and tells me that one of the point I made last night has a lot of merit and he agrees with it, but what does that matter to me at this point.  The who interaction reminds me of my mom apologizing to me long after she did or said whatever she could to hurt me - physically and emotionally.  This is why words mean nothing to me.  People can talk talk talk all they want, but without action, they mean nothing.  

So because he's asking me questions that I can not answer, I get the "hm", which he says means nothing, but I interpret to mean he thinks that I should be able to answer.  Even when I say "I am not in the right place right now to answer your questions" -- giving him the straight answer he says he wants from me -- but it still feels like it's the wrong answer.  So what is?  What can I do or say that is going to be satisfactory for him?  I just never know.  And right now, I am feeling like I don't even care to know or try or anything. 

It's when these things come up like this - these arguments and these feelings - that I want to leave.  I am tired of feeling this way about myself.  I do a good enough job on my own tearing myself down, I don't need any help, so I start day dreaming about leaving.  Getting my own place, doing my own thing, getting out from under the feeling that I am just not good enough for him.  That I am the root of all of our issues.  Just me, the cats, my plants.  I'd still want to work on improving myself and learning and growing, but I feel like it would be so much easier to do without wondering what will be the next thing I do that will create conflict.  I'm just so damn tired of it and I don't want to do it any more.  

I was feeling so great the last couple of weeks.  I even started walking on my lunch breaks and making a conscious effort to make healthier choices so I could work towards being healthier over all.  I was feeling good about us and life in general.  I spent the first half of the day wandering through garden centers and marveling at all the beautiful plants and dreaming about pulling out my "good camera" to start taking photos again, and then here I am the next day feeling like all of that is just nonsense and anything I was feeling yesterday was a false happiness because I don't have the right foundation for happiness to put it's roots down.  

 

Head Space

Headspace by lucid a

I've not been in a good one lately.  Head space, that is.  Last night I asked Gerry for a divorce, convinced that was going to solve all my issues.  All the issues that have been around long since Gerry and I ever met.  I had convinced myself that our lack of intimate sharing and emotional connection had wore me down so much that I just couldn't go on in our relationship.  I was certain that our relationship had run its course.  All this stemmed from our first session with a new marriage counselor when I said that I sometimes wondered if our relationship was ever truly genuine and if we only were together because it was convenient for the both of us at the time.  We both had needs and empty spaces that needed to be filled, and we stumbled upon each other at the right time to satiate those needs of that time.  And for a while I was happy and satisfied in our relationship.  I loved spending time with him. I loved our adventures together.  I loved us.  

Something changed, though. I wanted things to go to the next step - marriage - and I felt like there was some push back on that.  There was.  When ever I brought it up (usually several drinks in) it would become a point of contention.  I wanted to get married and he jumped around the idea.  He wasn't committing.  That confirmed, for me, the insecurities I have always had about myself. I wasn't good enough for marriage. Or at least, I wasn't good enough for marriage to him.  That ate at me.  That belief (whether it was true or not) wormed its way into my brain and set up shop.  And it hasn't gone away.  Instead, it has built a big ole mansion in the front of my brain, and it has colored my vision in a way that I struggle every damned day to see myself in any positive like.  

I am overweight.

I am not active.

I don't have a degree.

I don't make enough money to support myself.
I was mean to my mother when she didn't deserve it.

I neglected my children.

I am selfish and self-centered.

I never finish what I start.

I don't trust others.

I don't trust myself.

I don't know how to be genuine - I feel like everything I do is "put on" to appease others.  This one runs deep.  I have *always* struggled with knowing who "erin" is, because "erin" has spent a lifetime of molding herself into who she thinks people want her to be.  And THAT has gotten exhausting.  I am tired of playing whatever fucking role that I am playing.  I miss feeling joy and excitement for life, which I do recall having at one point when the kids were young.  But it's been lost and replaced with exhaustion and anger.  

I am angry a lot.  For stupid things.  I don't want to be angry.  I feel like I come from a long line of angry women.  My mother, my aunts, my grandmother.  All angry and disappointed that the world doesn't work they way they think it should.  

Lack of control is big too. More often I feel like I am "along for the ride" in my relationship.  I don't feel like I add anything but frustration to our relationship because I like to stack the dishes one way and Gerry doesn't care.  A minor example, but a good one.  It's usually the minor shit that works me up and because I am unable to express myself in a reasonable constructive way, I end up landing on getting angry at little things that aren't really a big deal.  

BUT - at the same time I have this thought that I am allowed to want things done a certain way and, just because I do and Gerry doesn't, does not mean that I am wrong or being problematic.  And that's how I end up feeling.  My thought is, if it doesn't matter to you where the kitchen scissors go, then why not just put them where I prefer them to go (another small, but accurate example)?  Why dig your feet in and accuse me of trying to "control you" when you say you don't care where they go?  These kind of examples are the kinds of things the build up in my head, and I begin to wonder where I actually fit in in this relationship.  What the hell is my roll here? 

I cycle through this thought pattern every damned month, sometimes more, and it is wearing me the fuck down.  Some days I feel like I want to get on my knees and PLEAD to the Universe to take me out.  I am DONE.  There is too much pain and sadness and anger to stay here.  I just want peace.

As with my head, this post is all over the place.  And reading it back over, the examples I gave seem so trivial and don't match what it going on in my head.  But those examples are literally just the teeny tiny tip of the iceberg.  What is below the surface is so much bigger and complicated than what everyone else sees.  And I can understand how only being able to see that tip would look bad to others.  And by others, I mean Gerry.  I know he knows that I struggle with depression, and he knows that I had a rough go of it as a kid, but sometimes I feel like he thinks all those things are just easy to move on from and that I am making a bigger deal out of things than they are.  And there probably is truth to that because I do tend to get worked over seemingly simple issues - but that's not because I am trying to be an asshole.  It's because I don't KNOW HOW to be anything else.  Growing up, there was never such a thing as "something simple that can be easily resolved."  There was always a big deal, and more often than not, a huge altercation as a result.  Sometimes only verbal, sometimes verbal and physical. I lived with constant chaos in my life.  I never knew when my mom was going to get upset and lash out.  My Dad and my step-mom weren't any better, though no physical.  I never knew if/when I was doing something wrong in their presence - either by acting the wrong way, saying the wrong things, etc.  With all my parents I was always analyzing and trying to adjust myself to do what they want me do or who I thought they wanted me to be.  

I still do that today.  When I talk to my dad & step-mom I alter my conversations and stories to best fit the narrative I think they want. I do that with people at work.  With people I make "friends" with.  People I have just met.  I don't know who the fuck I am.

I just asked Gerry if he knows who he is, and he said for the the most part he does.  He doesn't think much about it.  He said he attributes a lot of that as growing up in the Catholic church - knowing that you are one of Gods creations on Earth.  Ha.  Maybe I just need God.  NOT.

I need something though.  I need to figure out this shit in my head, because ultimately it will end me.  One way or another.  

Oh.  I took back my request for a divorce today.  I think Gerry knew it I would because he was fairly low key with it yesterday.  But this is becoming enough of a pattern for me, that something needs to change.  Even if he and I don't stay together, I need to fix whatever this has been eating away at my soul.  This un-detectable emotional cancer that makes believe that there is no love for me here and that I will only find the peace I seek after I die.  Sometimes that desire for that peace is so strong, it is frightening.