And so it begins...

I can't sleep. Every twinge I feel in my back, or ache I feel in my hip, I immediately start thinking about this damned "situation" and what it all means. If this is how it's going to go every night, I won't get any sleep, which I can imagine means grounds for a cancer party in my breast. :o|

Har har?

I am glad I went to class today. Yesterday I was talking about how I didn't want to and Gerry kind of got on my case about it. "Good lord, you don't even know if you're even really dying. Hold off on skipping class until at least you have a real excuse." Ha ha! Yes. It made me smile, and it helped. He knows me well. And even though I putzed around this morning and left at the last minute, I still made it and took my Chemistry test, sat through lecture and lab, and had a good day. The hour and fifteen minute drive to and from class wasn't as bad as I worried it would be. I figured with all that time to think about things, I'd be a huge weepy mess. I wasn't, though. I simply plugged in some of my favorite tunes to sing along to and kept my thoughts as simple as possible. I did figure from here on out everything will need to be dealt with on a "one-day-at-a-time" basis. If I allow myself to jump too far ahead I will definitely drive myself crazy.

This is all easier to manage during the day when there are all sort of distractions that I can focus on to keep my mind off the obvious. Bedtime is going to be a struggle. I tried playing games on my iPad, reading, watching cute cat videos, but unfortunately they aren't enough to keep my mind settled down. So here I am. I am guessing there will be a lot of nights like this in my future.

If I can get away with it, I am going to hold off talking to my boss until at least after my initial appointments next week. I feel weird talking to her about it before I've even talked to my family, but she will probably be in the loop before them. I don't know how long I will hold off telling the family. I told Gerry to keep his mouth shut for now. I'd rather have as much information as I can gather so I can answer all the questions I will certainly be bombarded with. So, at least until after next weeks appointment, although I would ideally even prefer to wait until after more testing is done and I know what stage I am in, what the treatment options are, and what the prognosis is. I really don't know if I can put it off that long, though. Gah. I hate thinking about that part of all this.

I have not had an emotional breakdown yet. I am sort of worried about that. Gerry thinks I'm going to just crack and "flip the hell out", and he is probably right. That is my modus operandi when I get stressed, so yeah. I guess we can expect that to happen. For now, I would just be happy with getting to sleep, especially when the alarm is set for 4:45am and I have to be at work at 7:00am.

It's going to be a long day tomorrow.

Take My Breath Away

 Have you ever heard about when someone receives really shocking news and they describe how their vision gets hazy and they go numb? I have, and I've always wondered if it really happens that way, or if it's just the best way of describing the rush of emotions you feel when faced with big, unexpected news.

Well, I can tell you that it does happen that way. And perhaps it is just the best way to describe the rush of emotions that comes with big, unexpected news, but there is definitely a physical reaction that occurs. It's unsettling. Just as unsettling as the news you get.

Yesterday I was told that I have breast cancer. Invasive ductal carcinoma. A small spot showed up on my screening mammogram last week and after the ultrasound, the doctor wanted to do a biopsy just to make sure it wasn't anything to be concerned about. I have cystic breasts, always have, and the spot he had seen looked like it wasn't anything but a complicated cyst on the ultrasound, but better to be safe. So they did the biopsy on Friday morning. After numbing my breast they shot two harpoon type needles into my left breast, into the area under my nipple, and clamped on to a couple portions of the cyst to remove it for testing. The doctor who did the biopsy said it didn't look suspicious to him, but I should know the results by Wednesday at the latest.

I expected that I would get a letter in the mail telling me all was good, and possibly even telling me to come back in 6 months for another mammogram, just to be safe. Instead I got a phone call yesterday asking me to come in to see the doctor later in the morning to go over the pathology results. I've never met this doctor before. Kind of a cool lady. Short, punky haircut dyed bright red on top that faded to a dark brown. Lots of piercings and tattoos. Overall, just seemed to be a neat lady. Like someone I would normally enjoy hanging out it.

She got right to the point, though. No use dancing around anything. She explained what the pathology results came back with. We are still waiting to find out how "my" cancer reacts to certain hormone exposure, which will give insight to treatment options. She told me her office had already set up appointments for me with a general surgeon and an oncologist. Next Tuesday. A week away. She mentioned things like mastectomy, metastasized, chemotherapy. But it was when she first told me "Unfortunately the results did come back positive for cancer" that I felt this rush from the top of my head to my toes. My lips went numb, my vision went cloudy and I audibly gasped. I had no control over it. For a moment I just looked at her as if she was speaking a language I couldn't understand, and all I could hear was "I am so sorry to have to meet you under these circumstances".

I feel like I am in limbo, right now. I won't know anything about anything at least until Tuesday of next week. There will be some sort of surgery done...at least removal of some lymph nodes to find out of the cancer has spread anywhere beyond the breast tissue. If it has, then what. From what I've read, that means it's incurable and I just live with it until I ultimately die from it. But that is the worst case scenario, and being the dramatic type I am, there is no other option but to jump to the worst case conclusion. That must explain why my body aches every morning when I get out of bed. It has spread to my bones. That must explain the little dizzy spells I've been having here and there the past few months. It's in my brain. That must explain why I've been having so many dreams of dying and telling my children how much I love them and how proud I am of them. My subconscious has known all along.

Then there is the question of how did this happen? How did I end up with breast cancer? What combination of factors were involved that caused a cluster of my cells to go rouge and go out of control? When did it happen? Were those random twinges I felt in my left breast months ago something I should have been more aware of? So many questions and no answers I can come up with on my own.

Gerry is the only person who knows so far. I honestly cringe at the thought of having to tell anyone else. My kids...the thought makes my stomach turn. My family...ugh...I just don't want to deal with all the dramatics that will come with it. My sister will flip the hell out -- I don't want to deal with her emotions. My dad...*sigh*...yeah..My kids, though.

*sigh*

There is nothing I can at this point except wait. I'll have to talk to my boss tomorrow and let her know what's up. I am sure I will be taking time off from work for any of the surgeries/treatments that are inevitable. I am not sure what to do about school at this point. I may have to drop the chemistry and biology class and just keep my online classes. Although, part of me is wondering if any of it is worth it at this point. There is no way I can do clinicals and chemotherapy at the same time, so perhaps this nursing gig is a no go afterall.

Queen of Conflict

 So yesterday I attempted to communicate with Gerry about something that I got irritated with. I explained to Gerry how I feel like he doesn't appreciate my efforts, but he came back telling me that I am interpreting his reactions as a lack of appreciation. I got upset because I felt like he wasn't "hearing me", that he was just trying to assert control over me, so what I came away with from that conversation was tension and discord. Then all my dreams last night were full of imagery where everything I came in contact with was breaking down or getting damaged because I wasn't taking the time to properly learn to use stuff, or I was just generally being careless. Things that could be easily avoided with time and patience. When Gerry woke me up this morning to say he was leaving for work, I had the echoes of my mothers voice in my head speaking to me and saying "you never could have anything nice because you just destroy it all".

I have spent the morning distracting myself from these thoughts because I don't want to dwell on them, but I have this nagging feeling that there is some vague truth somewhere in all of that. I do tend to be careless. Quick to react, slow to understand. I can't tell you how many times after an argument, where I have fought so hard to get my point across -- feeling that my point was the only legitimate point to make -- that I realize that perhaps I was wrong in my way of thinking or my actions.

I have no trouble pointing out the flaws and mistakes made by others. It's super easy to do that. Yet, although I know I am not perfect, I become furiously defensive if my flaws are pointed out. I cradle those parts of me, protect them from scrutiny. Like those parts are all that I am. As if, without those parts, I would be nothing. I don't want to be that way anymore, though. I am tired of being so defensive of these parts of me that I really don't like. These are the parts of me that I know cause conflict between me and others. That cause conflicts in my relationship with Gerry.

I am tired of there always being conflict. It makes my heart heavy and tired.

Anger.

 I've never thought of myself as an angry person. I get uncomfortable when others openly express anger, so I have always assumed that being an "angry person" is just not part of my personality. However, I am learning that I am wrong.

I am noticing the way I react in different situations and that there are times -- more often than not -- that I am reacting in a way well beyond what is necessary for the situation.

Shoes left in the entry way? Pissed off.

Towels not folded and put away? Pissed off.

Went grocery shopping without me? Pissed off.

Had a friendly conversation with the attractive neighbor? Livid!

None of those situations are reasonable reasons for me to get as angry as I do, and yet I find myself boiling over in these scenarios. I'll let these situations simmer for a few days until, like a pressure cooker that has built up too much steam, I'll blow and send out those sharp daggers of my anger out at those closest to me. Typically Gerry. He bears the brunt of 99.9% of my outbursts, which usually consists of my having built up all sorts of unreasonable, irrational assumptions about him and us. I am convinced he is cheating on me. I am convinced he is purposely withholding conversation from me. I am convinced he is intentionally doing things to make me angry. None of it is really true, and if any of it is, it is because I make conversation difficult because it becomes an argument all the time.

It's not like this every day, but enough that over the last year or so it has become so regular it is almost predictable. I try to assign all sorts of other explanations for it, like I am tired, I am not happy with work, my schedule is all wonky, however the real explanation is that this is a part of my personality that needs to be addressed, dealt with and controlled.

I am not liking these revelations about myself, but I know that if I don't face them and deal with them then nothing will really ever change for me. I don't want that. Life is learning, and I have to be open to that -- even though some of the stuff I learn might be super unpleasant.

My Therapist Told Me To.

 My therapist keeps telling me to write things down: thoughts, feelings, anxieties, etc. I keep meaning to, but never give myself the time to do it. There is always something else more important, or more interesting to distract my mind from thoughts, feelings and anxieties I'd rather avoid than sort through. However, I am on my way to 43 years old and I am always seeking ways to improve myself and my life, and at this present time those thoughts, feelings and anxieties are the things that need to be sorted through if any improvement is to be made.

So yeah. I am in therapy. With a bona-fide, doctorate degree hanging on the wall, therapist. In the past I've sought out mental-health help from professionals with counseling licenses, and have never stuck with it. I always felt they were too "soft" on me, for lack of a better description, so I never felt like it was a good fit. Mary is a wonderful fit, though, and I've been seeing her now for almost 3 months now.

I find that I tend to go through evolutions in my life every 10 years or so, and I feel like I am coming up on one now. The last year or so I've felt really unsettled and unsatisfied with where I am and what I am doing with my life, which prompted my successful (so-far) return to school. I've done well in school, but I fear that other areas in my life have suffered some. My relationship with Gerry being a big one.

I tend to be the kind of person who has difficulty giving my energy to more than one person/activity at a time. I don't have a huge group of friends because I find it too exhausting to try to entertain more than one or two close friendships. When I am in a romantic relationship, that person tends to become the main focus of my "friendship" attention, and that's the way it has been for the last 8 years with Gerry and I. I still have my other friends, but I don't do anything social with them anymore. On one hand that bothers me, because I *should* be doing those things, right? Girls night out. Book clubs. Painting parties. Mom Proms. All those kind of events that I see so many other people on social media enjoying. And part of me wants to partake, but a larger part of me is okay with staying at home and spending my time with Gerry. For seven of the last eight years Gerry and I have been together, it's pretty much been him and doing everything together. We cook together, drink together, go on day trips together, etc. And I've enjoyed it all. I love spending time with him. Yet.

I started back to school last fall. I made the decision to go back to school a year before. I was nervous, but excited. Anxious, but eager. And because it was something NEW, my attention turned to focus more on it than on other things in my life. Other things like my relationship with Gerry. Now, it should be expected that there would be understanding that there would be a change in our relationship -- there would be less time for us. I work more afternoons, so we see each other less. We don't talk as much as we used to, and I know that leaves me often feeling left out of his life. When I crawl into bed at night after coming home from a shift I feel guilty for disturbing him because he gets up early for work in the morning. I miss starting our days with coffee and breakfast together and ending our morning dates with a kiss and an "I love you" before heading our separate ways. We don't cook dinner together as often as we used to. Sometimes I just don't feel like there is a "we" anymore. He is an "I" and I am an "I".

I'll write more later. I am feeling like I am shifting from wanting to just unload these feelings in a constructive way, to using this as a platform to express all my dramatic musings. I just want things to be simple, and right now I am feeling far from that.

Perhaps a soak in the tub and a good book will help.

Update on Kari

 I figured it was about time to give an update to everyone regarding Kari and how she is doing. It's been some time since I talked to some of you, so I'll just give a brief recap.

Kari ended Chemotherapy on May 31 and had a follow-up PET scan at the end of July. We were, of course, hoping for a clean read, BUT there was still some activity in her chest, along with some in her pelvis, that the doctor wanted to keep an eye on. So she had a second PET scan earlier this month. Unfortunately, the activity in those areas had increased enough that her Oncologist recommended another biopsy of the lymph nodes in her chest to double check to see if there was anything to be concerned about.

The preliminary results on the biopsy came back inconclusive, but her oncologist still suggested meeting with a radiation-oncologist to discuss the possibility of radiation treatment. In the meantime, he also ordered an MRI on her to get a closer look at the activity in her pelvic region (near her left ovary).

We met with Dr. Baer today and he went over both the PET and the MRI with us. He did recommend radiation for the area in her chest, seeing as the final results (from U of M) on the biopsy did still show Hodgkins. However, he was concerened about the area in her pelvis. It is right near a branch of arteries that runs near the ovary and the MRI results aren't real clear whether or not it's something in her lymph nodes or something else.

He said there are 3 ways we can address it: Sit on it and wait and see if it changes (do another scan in a few months), go ahead and treat it with radiation (however, it would fry her ovary making it useless) or basically do exploratory surgery to see if they can locate what the issue is. Dr. Baer isn't too keen on letting it just sit, nor is he wanting to put her through surgery if nothing is found. He is consulting with a few colleagues to discuss what they think and will be getting back to us later this week.

Kari did say she felt that doing the surgery would be something she would be more inclined to do, especially seeing that after a 4 cycles of chemo the Hodgkins was not completely gone. She also is not interested in frying her ovary. Dr. Baer did say if surgery were the way to go, he would likely have us go to Mayo or something along that line.

So. That is where we are at this point. Sorry I haven't updated more consistently, but I think I was just waiting for everything to come back clean so I could send out a "SHE'S CURED" message. Instead, just continue to please keep her in your thoughts (as I know you all will). I have been amazed and impressed and so very proud of how well she is managing all of this. She is an inspiration to me!!


This was a group message I sent out to some family on Facebook. Cancer is such a pain in the ass. There is nothing simple about it. I don't know what I was expecting when Kari was diagnosed with it last January. Maybe I thought that since because she had a fairly simple cancer that was easy to treat, she'd go through treatment and be done! Well, obviously it is not turning out to be that way. It's just so much for someone her age (just turned 20) to have to deal with. Especially now with not knowing what the activity in her pelvis is all about. If it turns out that it is cancer and it needs to be treated with radiation, then she needs to consider how it will affect her ability to have children later on. It's just a lot.

So, at this point we are just waiting to hear from the doctor later this week to see what he recommends. Either way, it's going to be a big decision for Kari.

Keeping it Random

 I am not really sure what my deal is lately, but me and a "good night's sleep" just aren't getting along. Boo.

My mistakes on my math exam were SO STUPID. Honestly, all they consisted of was my not reading the questions properly. Completely avoidable, but I suppose a 96 is still a 96 no matter what.

I received some positive feedback on last week's English assignment. I was less than thrilled with my work, and it took me until almost the very last minute to get it in. And when I did get it in, the last few questions were rushed and not well thought out. But my instructor said it was good and I have very strong writing skills, so Yay! I even ended up with a perfect score on the assignment.

My friend Jeannie and I have plans to go see the new Blair Witch movie on Friday. We kind of have to. You see, we saw the original when it first came out in 1999. And we totally bought into the whole "recovered footage" hype, so we thought it was REAL. It wasn't until the credits were rolling at the end of the movie that we both realized it was JUST a movie. Still scared the shizznit out of us, though. Jeannie just recently moved back to the area from Utah, so we made a "dinner & movie" date for Friday. We'll be able to do some good catching up and then go get the shizznit scared out of us again. I am looking forward to it.

Oh. Did I mention I am a grandma? Step-grandma, technically. Gerry's son, Aaron, and his wife had a baby boy at the end of August. I feel bad for not feeling more excited about it, but the whole situation is just - uncomfortable - so I think everyone is sort of holding back any excitement. Which is sad, because babies should be celebrated. And he is a cutie. Wonderfully chubby cheeks and he looks just like his dad. There is talk about going down to Fort Bragg for Thanksgiving so we can see everyone. Gerry is dragging his feet, though. Makes a big deal about spending money, but I think it's really that he just doesn't know how to handle that his son is a father. It doesn't fit what Gerry had in mind for Aaron. Or perhaps for himself - being a grandfather at 45. I hope we go, though. I'd love a baby fix.

Have I mentioned that I think I am in love with my Diva cup? Seriously. I love it.