Queen of Conflict

 So yesterday I attempted to communicate with Gerry about something that I got irritated with. I explained to Gerry how I feel like he doesn't appreciate my efforts, but he came back telling me that I am interpreting his reactions as a lack of appreciation. I got upset because I felt like he wasn't "hearing me", that he was just trying to assert control over me, so what I came away with from that conversation was tension and discord. Then all my dreams last night were full of imagery where everything I came in contact with was breaking down or getting damaged because I wasn't taking the time to properly learn to use stuff, or I was just generally being careless. Things that could be easily avoided with time and patience. When Gerry woke me up this morning to say he was leaving for work, I had the echoes of my mothers voice in my head speaking to me and saying "you never could have anything nice because you just destroy it all".

I have spent the morning distracting myself from these thoughts because I don't want to dwell on them, but I have this nagging feeling that there is some vague truth somewhere in all of that. I do tend to be careless. Quick to react, slow to understand. I can't tell you how many times after an argument, where I have fought so hard to get my point across -- feeling that my point was the only legitimate point to make -- that I realize that perhaps I was wrong in my way of thinking or my actions.

I have no trouble pointing out the flaws and mistakes made by others. It's super easy to do that. Yet, although I know I am not perfect, I become furiously defensive if my flaws are pointed out. I cradle those parts of me, protect them from scrutiny. Like those parts are all that I am. As if, without those parts, I would be nothing. I don't want to be that way anymore, though. I am tired of being so defensive of these parts of me that I really don't like. These are the parts of me that I know cause conflict between me and others. That cause conflicts in my relationship with Gerry.

I am tired of there always being conflict. It makes my heart heavy and tired.