I have decided to do a double mastectomy with reconstruction. Because I wanted reconstruction, I needed to meet with Dr. Taylor, who is the plastic surgeon here who does immediate breast reconstruction after mastectomies. Daniele was able to get me scheduled with him on Thursday, along with another appointment with Dr. Seimers so we could discuss what I could expect with the chemotherapy I'd be getting after the surgery.
The appointment with Dr. Taylor went well. He actually presented me with a different sort of reconstruction, that they have not yet done at the hospital, so I would be the guinea pig. What they currently do at my facility is at the time of the mastectomy, expanders are placed under the pectoral muscle to stretch out the tissue to make room for implants to be placed later on down the road. What Dr. Taylor proposed was instead of placing expanders right away, I would go back to him two weeks after my mastectomy and he would then place the implants at that time, on top of the pectoral muscle instead of below it. He explained that it would also make for a more natural looking breast, and there is a lower chance of capsular contracture. This would be a skin and nipple sparing procedure. It all sounded good, so I said lets do it.
Dr. Taylor said he would touch base with Dr. Edwards, and we could likely get me scheduled in the next couple of weeks. He would talk to him about doing the new procedure and we'd get the ball rolling. I left the appointment feeling pretty positive and upbeat. Even though I would be having major surgery and then several weeks of chemotherapy, it felt good to have a plan again.
Since I didn't meet with Dr. Siemers for another hour or so, I popped in and visited my good friend, Martin. Talked with him a bit about what was going down. Got a couple of great hugs from him, and reassured him that I was doing fine and I had confidence that everything was going to turn out just fine.
Isn't that how it always goes when you talk to people about serious life events? Of course they are concerned about you, and want to help out somehow, but they don't know what to really do or even say to you. So, you have to put on the impression that you've got it all under control. It's fine. Swell. Just peachy! But the truth is you don't know really what you are going to do or what to say either. So conversation becomes an awkward dance where both parties are trying their best to not step on each others toes.
Anyway, after visiting with Martin I made my way to Dr Siemers office. We talked about my conversation with Dr. Taylor and he asked what the timeline was, as far as when I would have having the surgery. Daniele told him probably middle to end of November for the Stage One (mastectomy) and then two weeks after that for Stage Two (implant placement). He started doing some calculating and said "Well, I hate to put a wrench in your plans, but that's just not going to work out." Basically, because it would be anywhere from 2-3 weeks before I could get Stage One done, 2 weeks later for Stage Two, and then around 6 weeks to heal, I'd be pushing chemo back until the beginning of the year. Because my cancer is Grade III (most aggressive) he didn't want me to wait that long for fear it might end up spreading beyond my lymph nodes.
So, the plans I had tentatively set only an hour before, were tossed out the window and I was being shuffled back to schedule my mediport placement, as well as my first chemo treatment.
Before I left, Daniele told me how she was very impressed with my optimism and felt that I was one of those people who knew how to make the best of a tough situation, which is not incorrect.
"You are going to come out of this whole situation with a better idea of how strong you are, and how capable you are, I can see you doing something great with this experience."
Of course, I want to believe this, but that's a lot of pressure right now. My head is still kind of spinning from all the changes that have occurred over a relatively short period of time, and I just need time to process it all.
I got home and tried to not think about all the information I had to process, but that proved to me difficult that I anticipated. It seemed like every time I tried to do something other than think about my day, my mind would start racing, my breathing rate would increase, could feel my heart rate increasing. I kept telling myself to calm down and relax, but I started breathing faster and feeling terribly off. Thankfully, I had had the mind enough, the week prior, to see my family doctor about a prescription for Xanax, so I grabbed one of those and threw it back and then laid on the sofa to wait until the medication kicked in.
I have never felt anything like that before, and can only describe as what I would assume to be a panic attack, brought on by all the all the information from my visits, as well as everything else that had come down with it. I had to give up my seat in the nursing program. Because of all the class time I had missed so far, and the upcoming classes I would be missing, I would have to look into getting Incompletes for the semester. It was all just too much.
The meds did kick in and I was able to calm down and feel better for the rest of the evening.
So the plan at this time is to get my mediport placed on November 30th, and I will be starting Chemotherapy on December 4th. It's going to be a wild ride, but maybe Daniele is right. Maybe I will be able to make something great out of this. Maybe I will learn just how strong I really am.
There is always a silver lining. Sometimes it's hard to see, but it's always there.
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