Would you like to swing on a Star...

I started my new chemo treatment this past Wednesday.  Twelve weeks total of weekly treatments.  The Taxol is supposed to be less taxing on my system as the previous chemo treatment, so hopefully that means no more neutropenia and no more anemia.  What I have noticed with it is that I do have a bit of nausea first thing when I wake up.  Compazine helps with that, though.

I feel more like myself, though.  I'm still tired, and my energy levels aren't what they used to be, but I don't feel exhausted and I don't feel sick all the time.  I don't feel like I have to take naps throughout the day.  I don't feel like I need to run to the loo every hour to dry heave.  I don't feel like my body is broken and I'll never feel normal again.  I feel good, and that is a fantastic feeling.

In fact, Gerry and I went out for dinner the other night and I didn't get sick or have a near syncopal episode!  That's progress, people!!

With all this newfound "feeling better" I now can turn my focus on finishing up my classes from last semester that I had to take Incompletes in.  I finally have all the information from both the instructors on what assignments I need to complete, as well as exams and final projects.  I have until the middle of May (end of semester) to complete it all, though, so I will be fine. 

I was trying to get an appointment to Mayo clinic for a consultation in regards to discussing the mastectomy and reconstruction.  Found out I can't get that scheduled until 3-6 weeks after I complete my chemotherapy.  Not really sure why, so I'll probably give their breast clinic a call next week to see if they can give me more details on that.  I was hoping to have the consultation done prior to completing chemo so I could then I could have a game plan for after.  However, none of this has stuck to "my plan" so I really shouldn't be surprised that this hasn't either.

I actually have been thinking a lot about the mastectomy surgery lately.  Initially, when it came to light that I would need chemotherapy, deciding to have a mastectomy was an easy one.  Most people I talked to would even say "You are having a mastectomy, right?" expecting that is the obvious way to go.  However, the more I think about it, the less I am convinced that is what I want to do.  I will have had a total of 16 chemo treatments by the end of my run, and the chemo is supposed to eradicate the cancer.  Plus, I will be on a hormone treatment medication for 5 years that will work to reduce my chances of developing cancer again.  So, part of me is sort of thinking "Why" do I need to cut off my breasts?  I understand it reduces the chance of recurrence, but so far there are no other factors, that I don't have control over, that would put me at risk again.  I suppose, if my genetic testing shows otherwise, then that would be different.  However, at this point, based on what is known about breast cancer and how it tends to develop, my weight, eating habits and alcohol consumption all play a part in whether or not I will get it again.  Keeping all of those factors under control, along with the chemo and the medication, will reduce the chance of my getting breast cancer again. 

I think what has really gotten me thinking this way is the reality that I would be having a major surgery that would be removing a part of my body that identify with.  Not that I am saying that my breasts are who I am, but they are a part of who I am and, to be honest, the idea of having them removed and replaced unsettles me a bit.  I didn't think it would bother me, but it the more I think about it, the more I don't like the idea.   There is part of me that worried about being "deformed"...that my breasts will look like something from a freakshow.  I know that won't happen, but there is that concern.  I also worry about long term complications.  I don't want to have repeated surgeries because something isn't sitting right or something has gone wrong with an implant.  Of course, everything might just go smoothly and I'll never have anything to worry about, but I never thought I would have breast cancer either, so I am not counting on not having some sort of complication. 

I just don't know right now.  I am looking forward to the consultation with Mayo clinic so they can give me all the pros and cons so I can make a final informed decision.  Overall, I will be happy when ALL of this is done with.  The chemo, the cancer, the surgeries, etc.  I just want to get back to regular life and focus on getting through school and getting my degree so I can move forward with my life.
I'm kind of getting tired of having cancer be the focus of my everyday life, which it has been.  It's kind of frustrating at times because the focus of conversation that I have with people always centers around my cancer.  I know it's a big topic right now, so it's to be expected.  But it's getting old. 

I am hoping that because I am feeling better, I can sort of turn the change the focus of things.  I can work on school work, so there is that to talk about.  I can work on my crocheting projects, so there is that to talk about.  I can work on starting seeds for my garden this year, so there is that to talk about. 

I suppose it's all how I choose to look at things too.