Scary as F***.

I’m getting tired, friends.

Treatments are going well.  The only major side-effects I am feeling from this round of chemo is being extra tired and everything I eat tasting like it’s been soaked in vegetable oil first.  Oh.  And dry eyes.  Lots of dry eyes.

Speaking of eyes, things are not going so well in that department.  I have completely lost vision in my left eye…well, there is a small bit of vision in my upper left peripheral, but it is not enough to count as vision, as all I see with it is if it’s light or dark.  Up until yesterday, my right eye was doing okay except for some floaties that settle in my field of vision making it difficult to focus.  Today I woke up, and my eyesight in my right eye is covered with a white haze. 

There is *still* no clear idea as to what damaged the retina in my left eye, or why it has continued to get worse, or if it is going to do the same thing to my right eye.  I have been tested for several viruses, bacteria’s, parasites, but everything keeps coming back negative. 

So. My doctor has me scheduled for a vitrectomy tomorrow afternoon, so he can collect a larger sample of vitreous fluid.  The hope is that with a larger sample, there would be a better chance of getting more accurate results.  According to him, the testing for some of these viruses and bugs are not that reliable, so a false negative result is common.  That said, I have been on a variety of medications; anitbiotics, antiviral, and antifungal.  Just to cover all the bases and see if something would work, but nothing has.  It’s only gotten worse and worse. 

One of the concerns is that it may be a CMV virus that is resistant to the antiviral meds I am taking.  If they find that virus in the vitreous fluid, a sensitivity test will be done to check for viral resistance to medication.  It would be EXTREMELY rare that would be the case, but it’s still a possibility.  

The other concern is making sure the same thing doesn’t happen to my right eye, which with this morning’s appearance of the white haze, has me nervous. Not knowing what is really going on and not knowing if anything is going to turn up in the tests they run as me a little ramped up in the brain. 

I really don’t know what to do, to be honest.  How to think, how to feel, what to expect.  I knew that dealing with cancer was going to be a pain in the ass, but I was prepared for that.  I am not quite as well prepared for this.  

And it’s scary as fuck.