I can't sleep tonight. My whole body is sore, I did something to my neck over the weekend so not matter how I lay my head, I am uncomfortable. And then there is the fact that my left breast (Cancer Breast) has been aching the last couple of days, and yesterday in the shower I was kind of poking around and I swear that the tumor has grown...significantly. THe docs told me there would be some scar tissue left behind after the biopsy, and I could feel that the first couple of weeks after. It was just a small lump, though. Now it is so much bigger, and even seems to be making my left breast swell some. I was laying on my back tonight and was comparing the shape of both my breasts as I laid there. Usually, they flatten out and fall to the side a bit -- all perkiness gone. Well, tonight the right side followed suit, but the left side was just a little fuller than it should be. Like, it wasn't flat-as-a-pancake; it was more like the top of a cupcake that's fallen a little after being taken out of the oven. Know what I mean??
So, now I can add ten-thousand more worrisome thoughts to the already one-hundred million worrisome thoughts taking up brain space. I shouldn't worry about it until I can talk to the doctors office tomorrow. My lumpectomy is on Monday, but if the cancer has grown/spread, then maybe a lumpectomy isn't the best way to go. In which case, my decision would be either a bi-lateral or double mastectomy. This is why I can't NOT worry about it, because that changes SO MANY things...the type of surgery, time spent in the hospital, recovery time, etc. It was so easy when I first met with Dr. Edwards...it all fit easily into a neat little, planned package that I could present to anyone who asked and say "YEs! It's all going to be just fine! See? I have it all planned out!!"
I hope I am just stressing out over nothing. It's just hard to poke around on my breast and actually FEEL something there that a month ago I didn't even know existed. It's and odd feeling...mentally and emotionally. I guess, I am not really sure what to feel about it -- other than worry. I've got that down pat.
Tonight, Gerry asked if I was worried. DUH! However, my answer was not the rehearsed, neatly scripted response I give to everyone else. It was YES, and I was able to share all the reasons I was. And it felt good. I haven't really talked with him a whole lot about it because I "don't want to burden" him. *sigh* Everything I have experienced in my life is somehow directly tied to my not wanting to burden someone. I freaking have CANCER! Only a year and a half after my daughter being diagnosed with cancer?? And I don't want to BURDEN anyone? But that's my M.O. I have to handle it all by myself, because....??? I don't know. Because I always have?
My step-sister sent me a card to say she's been thinking of me and to tell me how she admires how STRONG I am. My first thought was "Well, if Strong means putting on a good face for everyone else while completely losing it on the inside, then HELL YEAH I'm Strong."
I don't want to be strong anymore. At least, not right now. It's exhausting me.
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