My Hero

The past several days have not been good ones.  

Gerry got sick the night before my first chemo - cold shivers, hot sweats - and neither one of us thought to mention it to my oncologist when I went for my treatment last Monday.  So, I had my chemo and ended up picking up his sick, and this past week Gerry have been taking turns trying to out-sick each other with fevers, chills, muscle aches, nausea, etc.  

Well, I am pleased to say.  I won.  

You know.  

Because Cancer.

I ended up in the emergency department on Saturday after having spiked an early morning fever of 102.3.  

Of course, by the time either Gerry or myself were in the coherent position to get me to the hospital, I had managed to take a dose of motrin which brought my fever down.  However, blood tests at the hospital revealed that I am neutropenic so a handshake from a friendly old man or a hug from a snot nosed baby could potentially kill me.  Okay..maybe a tad dramatic, but still nothing you want to mess around with.

So they sent me home with a couple of heavy duty antibiotics and instructions to follow up with my oncologist on Monday for more blood work to see how the counts are by then.  

I haven't felt any better, since, really.

I'm still cycling through episodes of hot sweats, and cold chills.  So the furnace is up and down.  I'm whining for more blankets to be piled on me or to be pulled off.  I'm shooting off requests for hot chicken broth or tea, cold Vernors or popsicles.  

In my wake, I leave a trail of messes from dirty sweat soaked blankets, to dirty dishes, to lids I forgot to put back on food containers, or even food left out in our bacteria breeding kitchen overnight when  it should have been put away in the fridge.  

And aside from a couple of typical comical quips, Gerry has followed behind me making sure I was covered when I was cold.  Making sure my soda was cold when I was hot.  Putting away the things I left out.  Washing the loads and loads of laundry and dishes ALL THE WHILE HE HAS BEEN SICK TOO.

In between his shivering rounds under the piles of blankets, or moments of him stripping off sweaty clothes, his headaches, muscle aches, and achy aches, he has kept up with making sure everything around here didn't totally fall to shit.  Which is exactly what I would have done.  

Let everything fall to shit, that is.

Right now he is out at the grocery store, still feeling like crap himself, to pick up some yogurt and good bread so I can eat something.  Before he left, he bleached down the kitchen, stripped the bed, brought some dirty clothes to the basement, cuddled the cat, and asked if there was anything else I needed before he left.  

I said no, and then suddenly felt this OVERWHELMING wave of LOVE and GRATITUDE for this man who says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  

This man who, despite feeling like death himself, has still managed to take care of me when I needed it.  

I tried to tell him how thankful and appreciative I was of all he has done for me, and his response was typical Gerry.

"Shut. It."

But I am so VERY VERY thankful and appreciative that not only the Universe lined up our paths in a way so we would meet, but also because I get to BE LOVED by someone like him.

This shit is real, people!!  Amazing, wonderful, fantastical love is for real.  And I have it :)

So, Thank you Universe for one of the greatest gifts I could ever be gifted, but mostly Thank You Gerry for being the wonderful, caring, loving, gracious, fantastic man that you are.  

I am so very, very lucky.

I love you.

Treatment #1

Yesterday I had my first chemo treatment, and I will receive 15 more over the course of the next 20 weeks.

Although I had done a bunch of research on what to expect, and had even had a teaching session with the nurse last Friday, I was still nervous about what to expect.  Everyone reacts a little different. 

I know that I will lose my hair.  Likely sometime between my 2^nd and 3^rd treatment.

I can expect to feel lots of fatigue. 

Perhaps some nausea.

A change in appetite.

Food will start to taste funny.

I may develop mouth sores.

I may lose my fingernails and lose feeling in my fingertips.

I don’t like NOT KNOWING how things will be for me, though, and if there is ANY anxiety about any of the side effects, it’s mostly because I just don’t know what I will be experiencing.  So yesterday, when I went in for my first treatment I monitored how I felt throughout the three hours I was there. 

Chemo started out with the administration of five premedications over 45 minutes:

• ·         Ativan – helps with nausea/vomiting
• ·         Aloxi – helps with nausea/vomiting
• ·         Emend – helps with nausea/vomiting
• ·         Pepcid – for heartburn
• ·         Decadron – a steroid to help with inflammation

After the premeds were completed, I was then given my first chemo medication, Adriamycin a.k.a. The Red Devil.  This was a manually administered medication, pushed from two large syringes into the IV that was connected to my port, over the course of 15 minutes.  After that I was given the other chemo medication, Cytoxan, via an IV bag drip over the course of one hour. A quick flush of my port and removal of the Huber needle after that, and I was good to go. 

After my chemo, I had a Neulasta injector attached to my abdomen.  This is a medication that when administered, will stimulate my bone marrow to produce more white blood cells, to help keep my count up. When it is first applied, a needle injects a plastic cannula into my abdomen, and then after a period of 27 hours, it “turns on” again and administers the medication over a period of 45 minutes.  Fifteen minutes after that, I remove it and put it aside to dispose of back at the doctor’s office. 

I felt great after chemo.  No nausea, no fatigue.  Just my normal self.  My Dad, who drove up from lower Michigan on Sunday to surprise me, picked me up and we swung by Walgreens on our way home to pick up my prescriptions for some additional anti-nausea medications.  I was hungry when I got home, so I made myself a small salad with swiss cheese, ham, and balsamic vinaigrette dressing.  A few bites in to my salad my skin started crawling and I felt really jumpy.  I thought maybe it was a reaction to the Decadron.  I was warned that it might even keep me from being able to sleep that night, and steroids do tend to give people a sensation of having extra energy, so I thought that was what I was feeling.  However, shortly after the crawling sensation began, I suddenly felt really, really cold.  Hard shivers that made my muscles ache.  I managed to change into my thermals, flipped on the fireplace, and buried myself under a couple of warm blankets. I also took a couple of Motrin, and eventually the shivering settled down.  For the rest of the evening I cycled through feeling nauseous, hot flashes, feeling fine, but mostly feeling exhausted.  I am not totally convinced that all of what I was feeling was from the chemo, though.  Most of what I have read states that side effects really don’t show up until day three or four after chemo – after the chemo drugs have cycled through your body and have been excreted.  Gerry had not been feeling the greatest the couple of days before my treatment, and the night before he had the shivers and sweats, so I wonder if I was experiencing some of that.  So, still not sure what to expect, but I’m hoping it’s not too miserable.  If I could sleep through it all, that would be FANTASTIC!  I’m keeping my fingers crossed!!

Contrary to what the nurse said about the Decadron possibly keeping me up at night, I was in by 7:45pm and I am sure I was out by 7:50pm.  I slept pretty well, all things considered.  Up a couple of times to use the bathroom.  One of the things I was told was to make sure I empty my bladder as often as possible.  Both the chemo meds are excreted through urine within 48 hours, but because Cytoxan can break down the lining of the bladder, you are encouraged to urinate as often as possible to make sure it doesn’t sit in your bladder to long.

I did wake up at 3:00am this morning.  I tried getting back to sleep, but it just wasn’t happening, so I finally got up at 3:30 and settled myself in the recliner and did a little reading of different forums on Breast Cancer sites about side effects, good smoothie recipes, and whatever else I found interesting, from whatever other women who have gone through similar situations.

I made some toast, ate a banana, and when my dad woke up and joined me, I made us both coffee. 

I feel pretty good this morning, overall.  A little tired, maybe, but honestly that is not out of the ordinary for me.  I don’t remember the last time I didn’t feel tired.  Sometime before I had children, I am sure.

Before my Dad left back for Lower Michigan this morning, he made sure to remind me to not do anything too taxing.  “Energy reserving activities” was his suggestion, which I will have to make a point to listen to.  Though, after he left, I remembered it was garbage day today, so I rushed to get the trash and recycling bins out to the street, and I felt absolutely drained afterwards.  So yeah.  I must remember my energy levels are not where they normally would be, so taking it easy is a good idea.  That means I’ll be working on simple projects today; folding some laundry, taking naps, and crocheting some dishcloths. 

I am still nervous about what to expect over the next couple of days, but I am thankful for the resources I have available to me, and even more thankful for the people in my life who are willing to lend a hand should I need it.  I can’t even begin to express how wonderful it has been to have so many people, from my co-workers, to my instructors and classmates at Bay, and of course my family, who have all been willing to step in and help me in any way they can.  It has made this situation so much more manageable to handle, and I am so very, very thankful for it.

I really have so much to be thankful for.  I really am blessed.  More than I ever knew.

Mediport placement.

In order to spare the wear and tear on the veins in my arms, I opted to have a mediport put it.  

It's kind of a neat device.  I have the Vaccess* CT Power-Injectable port, which is placed subcutaneously on the right side, and a line runs from it up into my jugular vein and then down to my heart.  

It's a weird feeling knowing that it's there, but I know that it will make getting the chemo medications much easier.  Kari had one put in when she had her chemo treatments, so I knew the nurses appreciate it when their patients get a port.  

I have a chemo education session with one of the nurses tomorrow.  I've been reading up on the medications I will be getting, so I am somewhat prepared, but I have a few questions still.

Only four more days until my first chemo treatment.  

My biggest anxiety is not knowing how I will feel after the treatment.  Most of what I have read indicates I won't feel too bad the first couple of days afterwards, but then it hits you about the 3rd or 4th day.  But it's different for everyone, so that freaks me out not knowing how it's going to turn out for me.  

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I had a lovely Thanksgiving this year.  Usually I stress myself out with all the prep I do, making sure my menu is perfect, doing it all myself, and even getting a little irritated when someone asks if they can bring something to help out.  I'm a bit of a control freak, so instead of being thankful for the help being offered, I take it as an insult that I'm not capable of doing it ALL myself.

This year, I delegated, though.  We did the ham & turkey, mashed potatoes, and I made some homemade Parker House rolls.  Ben made a delicious creamed corn, and Beth made some tasty roasted brussel sprouts.  Miranda made her Almost Famous Deviled eggs.  Kari brought a fresh veggie tray. 

I got to actually sit down and watch the football game, even though they lost, I don't remember the last Thanksgiving I was able to do that!  After dinner, we all gathered at the table and played a couple of games.  It was really fun.  We all had a good time. 

The best part?  There was no conversation about my cancer. 

No questions about upcoming appoints or treatments.  No talk about future plans.  Just enjoying each others company. 

It reminded me how much I have to be thankful for and how blessed I really am.

Kari turns 21!!!

Top Photo:  Me, Miranda, Josh, Kari,
Bottom left: Me and Kari, Bottom right: Me, Beth, Holly, Kari

My baby girl turned 21 today!  How did that happen???

My sister, Beth, and I met up with her, Miranda, and Holly down at Jackson's Pit where both Uncle Ben, and Big Brother Joshua work.   We had a couple of drinks with her before leaving her behind to enjoy the rest of her birthday with her friends.  

Of course, I had to give her the lecture about being responsible and not drinking and driving, and she took it well.  I tried not to be annoying about it.  

I am glad I was able to spend some time with her tonight.  💗💗💗💗

New development

Dr. Edwards, the surgeon who did my lumpectomy and who would be doing my mastectomy, called me today.  He wanted to discuss the nipple sparing procedure Dr. Taylor and I discussed.

He doesn't think I am a good candidate for the procedure.

For one, he said he has only been present for a nipple sparing mastectomy ONCE and that was during his residency years before.  Also, because of the location of my tumor, and the fact that my cancer was microfocal, he said I would increase my risk of a recurrence of the cancer.  Plus there are always the other risks, like poor blood supply to the nipples, which would then lead to nipple necrosis, yadda yadda. 

Ultimately, he said if I wanted to do a nipple sparing mastectomy, he would refer me to the Mayo Clinic.  He would not participate, unless I chose a regular mastectomy with reconstruction.  

To be honest, I had thought about asking for a referral there anyway.  Now that I am having chemo first, I have time to explore other reconstruction options.  There is plenty of time, so I said sure thing.  His office will send the referral and get back with me when they have an appointment date for me.

I think this will be a good move.  

Everything is just great.

I have decided to do a double mastectomy with reconstruction.  Because I wanted reconstruction, I needed to meet with Dr. Taylor, who is the plastic surgeon here who does immediate breast reconstruction after mastectomies.  Daniele was able to get me scheduled with him on Thursday, along with another appointment with Dr. Seimers so we could discuss what I could expect with the chemotherapy I'd be getting after the surgery.

The appointment with Dr. Taylor went well.  He actually presented me with a different sort of reconstruction, that they have not yet done at the hospital, so I would be the guinea pig.  What they currently do at my facility is at the time of the mastectomy, expanders are placed under the pectoral muscle to stretch out the tissue to make room for implants to be placed later on down the road.  What Dr. Taylor proposed was instead of placing expanders right away, I would go back to him two weeks after my mastectomy and he would then place the implants at that time, on top of the pectoral muscle instead of below it.  He explained that it would also make for a more natural looking breast, and there is a lower chance of capsular contracture.  This would be a skin and nipple sparing procedure.  It all sounded good, so I said lets do it. 

Dr. Taylor said he would touch base with Dr. Edwards, and we could likely get me scheduled in the next couple of weeks.  He would talk to him about doing the new procedure and we'd get the ball rolling.  I left the appointment feeling pretty positive and upbeat.  Even though I would be having major surgery and then several weeks of chemotherapy, it felt good to have a plan again.  

Since I didn't meet with Dr. Siemers for another hour or so, I popped in and visited my good friend, Martin.  Talked with him a bit about what was going down.  Got a couple of great hugs from him, and reassured him that I was doing fine and I had confidence that everything was going to turn out just fine.  

Isn't that how it always goes when you talk to people about serious life events?  Of course they are concerned about you, and want to help out somehow, but they don't know what to really do or even say to you.  So, you have to put on the impression that you've got it all under control.  It's fine.  Swell.  Just peachy!  But the truth is you don't know really what you are going to do or what to say either.  So conversation becomes an awkward dance where both parties are trying their best to not step on each others toes.

Anyway, after visiting with Martin I made my way to Dr Siemers office.  We talked about my conversation with Dr. Taylor and he asked what the timeline was, as far as when I would have having the surgery.  Daniele told him probably middle to end of November for the Stage One (mastectomy) and then two weeks after that for Stage Two (implant placement).  He started doing some calculating and said "Well, I hate to put a wrench in your plans, but that's just not going to work out."  Basically, because it would be anywhere from 2-3 weeks before I could get Stage One done, 2 weeks later for Stage Two, and then around 6 weeks to heal, I'd be pushing chemo back until the beginning of the year.  Because my cancer is Grade III (most aggressive) he didn't want me to wait that long for fear it might end up spreading beyond my lymph nodes.  

So, the plans I had tentatively set only an hour before, were tossed out the window and I was being shuffled back to schedule my mediport placement, as well as my first chemo treatment.

Before I left, Daniele told me how she was very impressed with my optimism and felt that I was one of those people who knew how to make the best of a tough situation, which is not incorrect.  

"You are going to come out of this whole situation with a better idea of how strong you are, and how capable you are, I can see you doing something great with this experience."

Of course, I want to believe this, but that's a lot of pressure right now.  My head is still kind of spinning from all the changes that have occurred over a relatively short period of time, and I just need time to process it all.  

I got home and tried to not think about all the information I had to process, but that proved to me difficult that I anticipated.  It seemed like every time I tried to do something other than think about my day, my mind would start racing, my breathing rate would increase, could feel my heart rate increasing.  I kept telling myself to calm down and relax, but I started breathing faster and feeling terribly off.  Thankfully, I had had the mind enough, the week prior, to see my family doctor about a prescription for Xanax, so I grabbed one of those and threw it back and then laid on the sofa to wait until the medication kicked in.

I have never felt anything like that before, and can only describe as what I would assume to be a panic attack, brought on by all the all the information from my visits, as well as everything else that had come down with it.  I had to give up my seat in the nursing program.  Because of all the class time I had missed so far, and the upcoming classes I would be missing, I would have to look into getting Incompletes for the semester.  It was all just too much.

The meds did kick in and I was able to calm down and feel better for the rest of the evening.  

So the plan at this time is to get my mediport placed on November 30th, and I will be starting Chemotherapy on December 4th.  It's going to be a wild ride, but maybe Daniele is right.  Maybe I will be able to make something great out of this.  Maybe I will learn just how strong I really am.  

There is always a silver lining.  Sometimes it's hard to see, but it's always there.