You can't schedule cancer.

The results of the lumpectomy I had on October 30^th came back with news I was not expecting.  

• Positive margins still on the breast tissue they removed from around the tumor 
• The tumor they removed was 5x larger than what showed up on imaging
• Tumors were found in both the sentinel nodes they took out for testing
• I went from a Grade II to a Grade III in the aggressiveness of the cancer.  Grade III is the most aggressive.

I received this news just two days after receiving my acceptance letter from the Bay College Nursing Department.  I was set to begin my clinicals in January and continue moving forward towards my degree.

My reaction, when Dr. Edwards gave me the news, was “Oh wow.  That’s unexpected.” Followed by an uncontrollable welling of tears and a wave of heat and electricity that ran through my body from the top of my head to my toes.

Inside my head I was screaming “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!” at the Universe.  “Can't I get a break??  Just once???”

When I was first diagnosed and met with Dr. Edwards, the general surgeon, it was assumed everything had been caught early enough that a lumpectomy would easily get the cancer out, and I’d just have some radiation to follow up and all would be done by the end of the year.   That's how I wanted it to happen, because at that point I was expecting that I would be accepted to the nursing program and I didn't want anything to interfere. 

At least, that’s how it was supposed to happen.

However, life rarely goes as planned, and when you throw something like cancer in the mix, it makes it even more unpredictable. 

All the plans had changed from what they were the week prior.  

Instead of the radiation I was expecting after the lumpectomy, chemotherapy was definitely on the table now.  I had to decide if I wanted to let Dr. Edwards go back in for a re-excision of my breast to see if he could get the rest of cancer, or to opt for a mastectomy.  If I went with a mastectomy I needed to decide if I wanted to just take the left breast, or if I wanted to a double mastectomy, and if I would want breast reconstruction.

I left the appointment, made it to my car, and broke down in tears in the parking lot.  All the stress and tension that had built up from the day I had been first diagnosed, a month and a half prior, finally surfaced and I sat there and I sobbed uncontrollably.  I had been holding so much of my fears and worries inside me, in order to not be a burden to others, but the news I had just received was too much to hold in.  I cried for a good 15 minutes, not caring if anyone saw me.  I just needed to get it all out.

After my tears ran dry, I gathered myself together and called Gerry.  He asked if I was okay.  I said I wasn't.  He told me to go home and take it easy.  I told him that's what I was planning on doing.  I called my chemistry instructor to let him know I wasn't coming to class that day.  I went home and sat on my sofa with my laptop and began to feverishly research the pros and cons of re-excision vs. mastectomy.  I researched breast construction.  I researched chemo for breast cancer.  

Gerry called and told me he was coming home early and did I want to go for lunch.  I said yes.  I needed to get my mind off of the news and focus on more pleasant things.  We went to Elizabeth's Chop House, had a couple of martini's with our lunch and then came home.  

Ironically, later that evening I cracked open a beer, and sat down to finish watching the NBC nightly new with Lester Holt, and he begins reporting on the connection between breast cancer and women who are moderate drinkers.  

I dumped my beer out.

Well Fuck.

 You know that feeling when you go see your surgeon for your follow-up exam for the lumpectomy he did to remove the breast cancer you were diagnosed with, and he tells you that the margins on the tissue removed indicated that he didn't quite get it all?  And then he tells you that the two sentinel nodes that were removed, and tested, both came back positive for cancer?  So now you have to decide if you want him to remove more tissue to see if he can get the rest of the cancer, or if he should just do a full on mastectomy.

So.  That was my Tuesday morning.

There is no feeling quite like that rush through your body that you get when you receive bad news like that.  I really thought that everything was going to come back with clean margins and a negative pathology.  Instead, Dr. Edwards told me that the tumor was much larger than what showed up on the imaging.  Originally it was between 7-8mm, but the tumor they removed was 38mm.  Also, on this pathology report, the Nottingham grade came back as a stage 3, which means it's an aggressive cancer.  He said there was a 25% chance that it has spread to other lymph nodes, and then there is the increased chance that it has gone beyond the nodes.

I will have to have chemotherapy.  Maybe some radiation still...I can't quite remember.  And because of all this new information, as well as not wanting to deal with the possibility that MAYBE it could come back again someday, I have decided to do a double mastectomy with reconstruction.  My surgery could be as soon as next Friday, the 17th of November.  

Last week, the plan was lumpectomy and radiation, then start nursing school in the winter.  Now it's surgery, recovery, chemotherapy for 4 months, possible radiation, and no nursing school. 

Life is so very very unpredictable.

Being Strong When I Don't Have Any Strength Left

I can't sleep tonight. My whole body is sore, I did something to my neck over the weekend so not matter how I lay my head, I am uncomfortable. And then there is the fact that my left breast (Cancer Breast) has been aching the last couple of days, and yesterday in the shower I was kind of poking around and I swear that the tumor has grown...significantly. THe docs told me there would be some scar tissue left behind after the biopsy, and I could feel that the first couple of weeks after. It was just a small lump, though. Now it is so much bigger, and even seems to be making my left breast swell some. I was laying on my back tonight and was comparing the shape of both my breasts as I laid there. Usually, they flatten out and fall to the side a bit -- all perkiness gone. Well, tonight the right side followed suit, but the left side was just a little fuller than it should be. Like, it wasn't flat-as-a-pancake; it was more like the top of a cupcake that's fallen a little after being taken out of the oven. Know what I mean??

So, now I can add ten-thousand more worrisome thoughts to the already one-hundred million worrisome thoughts taking up brain space. I shouldn't worry about it until I can talk to the doctors office tomorrow. My lumpectomy is on Monday, but if the cancer has grown/spread, then maybe a lumpectomy isn't the best way to go. In which case, my decision would be either a bi-lateral or double mastectomy. This is why I can't NOT worry about it, because that changes SO MANY things...the type of surgery, time spent in the hospital, recovery time, etc. It was so easy when I first met with Dr. Edwards...it all fit easily into a neat little, planned package that I could present to anyone who asked and say "YEs! It's all going to be just fine! See? I have it all planned out!!"

I hope I am just stressing out over nothing. It's just hard to poke around on my breast and actually FEEL something there that a month ago I didn't even know existed. It's and odd feeling...mentally and emotionally. I guess, I am not really sure what to feel about it -- other than worry. I've got that down pat.

Tonight, Gerry asked if I was worried. DUH! However, my answer was not the rehearsed, neatly scripted response I give to everyone else. It was YES, and I was able to share all the reasons I was. And it felt good. I haven't really talked with him a whole lot about it because I "don't want to burden" him. *sigh* Everything I have experienced in my life is somehow directly tied to my not wanting to burden someone. I freaking have CANCER! Only a year and a half after my daughter being diagnosed with cancer?? And I don't want to BURDEN anyone? But that's my M.O. I have to handle it all by myself, because....??? I don't know. Because I always have?

My step-sister sent me a card to say she's been thinking of me and to tell me how she admires how STRONG I am. My first thought was "Well, if Strong means putting on a good face for everyone else while completely losing it on the inside, then HELL YEAH I'm Strong."

I don't want to be strong anymore. At least, not right now. It's exhausting me.

Whew! That Was A Close One!

 HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF!!!!!

So I met with the surgeon and oncologist today. THe news is good. The best I could ask for!!

I will be having a lumpectomy on October 30th to remove the mass, some surrounding tissue, and 1-2 sentinel lymph nodes (for further testing). Outpatient procedure. Only a couple days to recover. No need for a mastectomy!!! Fortunately the tumor is small enough that, even though it has infiltrated into the breast tissue, it hasn't spread much beyond that area. After I heal up from the surgery, I will be getting 3-4 weeks of radiation and then I will also be on a medication for the next 5 years that will help reduce the chances of the cancer making a comeback.

So yeah....I can't even tell you how GOOD this all feels. Because I am so dramatic, I was preparing myself for the worst. I was sure Dr. Edwards was going to tell me that I had to have a mastectomy and I just wasn't sure how I was going to deal with that. But I don't have to, so *whew*.

I am feeling very happy right now.

And so it begins...

I can't sleep. Every twinge I feel in my back, or ache I feel in my hip, I immediately start thinking about this damned "situation" and what it all means. If this is how it's going to go every night, I won't get any sleep, which I can imagine means grounds for a cancer party in my breast. :o|

Har har?

I am glad I went to class today. Yesterday I was talking about how I didn't want to and Gerry kind of got on my case about it. "Good lord, you don't even know if you're even really dying. Hold off on skipping class until at least you have a real excuse." Ha ha! Yes. It made me smile, and it helped. He knows me well. And even though I putzed around this morning and left at the last minute, I still made it and took my Chemistry test, sat through lecture and lab, and had a good day. The hour and fifteen minute drive to and from class wasn't as bad as I worried it would be. I figured with all that time to think about things, I'd be a huge weepy mess. I wasn't, though. I simply plugged in some of my favorite tunes to sing along to and kept my thoughts as simple as possible. I did figure from here on out everything will need to be dealt with on a "one-day-at-a-time" basis. If I allow myself to jump too far ahead I will definitely drive myself crazy.

This is all easier to manage during the day when there are all sort of distractions that I can focus on to keep my mind off the obvious. Bedtime is going to be a struggle. I tried playing games on my iPad, reading, watching cute cat videos, but unfortunately they aren't enough to keep my mind settled down. So here I am. I am guessing there will be a lot of nights like this in my future.

If I can get away with it, I am going to hold off talking to my boss until at least after my initial appointments next week. I feel weird talking to her about it before I've even talked to my family, but she will probably be in the loop before them. I don't know how long I will hold off telling the family. I told Gerry to keep his mouth shut for now. I'd rather have as much information as I can gather so I can answer all the questions I will certainly be bombarded with. So, at least until after next weeks appointment, although I would ideally even prefer to wait until after more testing is done and I know what stage I am in, what the treatment options are, and what the prognosis is. I really don't know if I can put it off that long, though. Gah. I hate thinking about that part of all this.

I have not had an emotional breakdown yet. I am sort of worried about that. Gerry thinks I'm going to just crack and "flip the hell out", and he is probably right. That is my modus operandi when I get stressed, so yeah. I guess we can expect that to happen. For now, I would just be happy with getting to sleep, especially when the alarm is set for 4:45am and I have to be at work at 7:00am.

It's going to be a long day tomorrow.

Take My Breath Away

 Have you ever heard about when someone receives really shocking news and they describe how their vision gets hazy and they go numb? I have, and I've always wondered if it really happens that way, or if it's just the best way of describing the rush of emotions you feel when faced with big, unexpected news.

Well, I can tell you that it does happen that way. And perhaps it is just the best way to describe the rush of emotions that comes with big, unexpected news, but there is definitely a physical reaction that occurs. It's unsettling. Just as unsettling as the news you get.

Yesterday I was told that I have breast cancer. Invasive ductal carcinoma. A small spot showed up on my screening mammogram last week and after the ultrasound, the doctor wanted to do a biopsy just to make sure it wasn't anything to be concerned about. I have cystic breasts, always have, and the spot he had seen looked like it wasn't anything but a complicated cyst on the ultrasound, but better to be safe. So they did the biopsy on Friday morning. After numbing my breast they shot two harpoon type needles into my left breast, into the area under my nipple, and clamped on to a couple portions of the cyst to remove it for testing. The doctor who did the biopsy said it didn't look suspicious to him, but I should know the results by Wednesday at the latest.

I expected that I would get a letter in the mail telling me all was good, and possibly even telling me to come back in 6 months for another mammogram, just to be safe. Instead I got a phone call yesterday asking me to come in to see the doctor later in the morning to go over the pathology results. I've never met this doctor before. Kind of a cool lady. Short, punky haircut dyed bright red on top that faded to a dark brown. Lots of piercings and tattoos. Overall, just seemed to be a neat lady. Like someone I would normally enjoy hanging out it.

She got right to the point, though. No use dancing around anything. She explained what the pathology results came back with. We are still waiting to find out how "my" cancer reacts to certain hormone exposure, which will give insight to treatment options. She told me her office had already set up appointments for me with a general surgeon and an oncologist. Next Tuesday. A week away. She mentioned things like mastectomy, metastasized, chemotherapy. But it was when she first told me "Unfortunately the results did come back positive for cancer" that I felt this rush from the top of my head to my toes. My lips went numb, my vision went cloudy and I audibly gasped. I had no control over it. For a moment I just looked at her as if she was speaking a language I couldn't understand, and all I could hear was "I am so sorry to have to meet you under these circumstances".

I feel like I am in limbo, right now. I won't know anything about anything at least until Tuesday of next week. There will be some sort of surgery done...at least removal of some lymph nodes to find out of the cancer has spread anywhere beyond the breast tissue. If it has, then what. From what I've read, that means it's incurable and I just live with it until I ultimately die from it. But that is the worst case scenario, and being the dramatic type I am, there is no other option but to jump to the worst case conclusion. That must explain why my body aches every morning when I get out of bed. It has spread to my bones. That must explain the little dizzy spells I've been having here and there the past few months. It's in my brain. That must explain why I've been having so many dreams of dying and telling my children how much I love them and how proud I am of them. My subconscious has known all along.

Then there is the question of how did this happen? How did I end up with breast cancer? What combination of factors were involved that caused a cluster of my cells to go rouge and go out of control? When did it happen? Were those random twinges I felt in my left breast months ago something I should have been more aware of? So many questions and no answers I can come up with on my own.

Gerry is the only person who knows so far. I honestly cringe at the thought of having to tell anyone else. My kids...the thought makes my stomach turn. My family...ugh...I just don't want to deal with all the dramatics that will come with it. My sister will flip the hell out -- I don't want to deal with her emotions. My dad...*sigh*...yeah..My kids, though.

*sigh*

There is nothing I can at this point except wait. I'll have to talk to my boss tomorrow and let her know what's up. I am sure I will be taking time off from work for any of the surgeries/treatments that are inevitable. I am not sure what to do about school at this point. I may have to drop the chemistry and biology class and just keep my online classes. Although, part of me is wondering if any of it is worth it at this point. There is no way I can do clinicals and chemotherapy at the same time, so perhaps this nursing gig is a no go afterall.

Queen of Conflict

 So yesterday I attempted to communicate with Gerry about something that I got irritated with. I explained to Gerry how I feel like he doesn't appreciate my efforts, but he came back telling me that I am interpreting his reactions as a lack of appreciation. I got upset because I felt like he wasn't "hearing me", that he was just trying to assert control over me, so what I came away with from that conversation was tension and discord. Then all my dreams last night were full of imagery where everything I came in contact with was breaking down or getting damaged because I wasn't taking the time to properly learn to use stuff, or I was just generally being careless. Things that could be easily avoided with time and patience. When Gerry woke me up this morning to say he was leaving for work, I had the echoes of my mothers voice in my head speaking to me and saying "you never could have anything nice because you just destroy it all".

I have spent the morning distracting myself from these thoughts because I don't want to dwell on them, but I have this nagging feeling that there is some vague truth somewhere in all of that. I do tend to be careless. Quick to react, slow to understand. I can't tell you how many times after an argument, where I have fought so hard to get my point across -- feeling that my point was the only legitimate point to make -- that I realize that perhaps I was wrong in my way of thinking or my actions.

I have no trouble pointing out the flaws and mistakes made by others. It's super easy to do that. Yet, although I know I am not perfect, I become furiously defensive if my flaws are pointed out. I cradle those parts of me, protect them from scrutiny. Like those parts are all that I am. As if, without those parts, I would be nothing. I don't want to be that way anymore, though. I am tired of being so defensive of these parts of me that I really don't like. These are the parts of me that I know cause conflict between me and others. That cause conflicts in my relationship with Gerry.

I am tired of there always being conflict. It makes my heart heavy and tired.